


We're all good

by UriPara



Category: South Park
Genre: Bad family, Complete, Cute, Depression, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Happy, Highschool AU, Love, M/M, Romance, Sad, School, Slow Burn, curse, getting better, mentions of self harm, sick, side romances too, you're gonna catch the gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:49:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27336703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UriPara/pseuds/UriPara
Summary: Kenny and Butters relationship deepens after Butters notices Kenny’s ability to cheat death. Kenny sees his life as a curse, but with Butters in his life...
Relationships: Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch
Comments: 24
Kudos: 91





	1. Crush

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhh I promised myself I'd finish another "long" fic before 2020 ended so here we go. (And I did it! Made it in clutch)

The high school bell rang and Butters picked up his books from AP Chemistry with Kyle. The room was filled with chatter and clamor as everyone got up to head to their next class.

Kyle still wore his green ushanka but allowed his red curls to peek out; he usually complemented it with his orange jacket and brown work boots. He turned while stuffing away his book,“Did your mom make you take this class?” 

Butters wore a teal bomber jacket with a white t-shirt and matching sneakers. “No, I chose this because I wanted the grade boost.”

They walked out into the hall and shuffled their things. Kyle spoke again as they reached his locker, “Stan didn't believe me that AP courses bump up your GPA.” 

Butters laughed, “I think it's just not...well known? On account of so few people take ‘em?” 

They talked about the next exam before Cartman strode up. He wore a burgundy utility jacket with a yellow and teal beany, he kept his mittens in his pocket and kicked at the floor with his brown monk shoes. “Have you guys seen Stan? That hippie told me he was gonna have my money ready.” 

Butters didn't notice that Cartman wouldn't look at Kyle; and that Kyle equally ignored him in favor of organizing the open locker.

The blonde replied, “He and Kenny have calc right now. You'll probably have to wait till lunch.” 

\---

After calculus ended Stan and Kenny headed for the cafeteria, both equally worn out from the tedious class.

Kenny wore a thick orange parka with dark blue ripped jeans and black boots, he had a few rings on his fingers and gauged ears. Stan wore his brown trucker jacket and red scarf with a blue and red beanie, he smelled a bit like cannabis and woodlands. They both did. 

“I'm gonna fail that damn class,” Kenny sighed as he ran a hand over his neck. 

“You might just need a tutor man, I'm barely getting a C so I get it,” Stan replied. Stan looked at him and thought he seemed more distressed than usual. He texted Wendy something and tucked his phone away. 

Kenny groaned, “Who could I get?”

“Ask Kyle or Butters, they are taking those AP classes.” 

Kenny scratched his pierced ears, “Maybe Butters-”

Suddenly a loud voice came from down the hall, “There you are! Where's my money!?” 

They both turned to see Cartman fast approaching them with Butters and Kyle in tow. Stan sighed and produced a 5 dollar bill. 

Kenny whispered, “Why did you even borrow money from him? Even I'm not that stupid.” 

“I wanted that soda.”

Kenny rolled his eyes and walked next to Butters behind Cartman. 

Cartman snatched the note and shoved it into his pocket, “Finally.” Recently, since Cartman’s mom “retired” due to the police catching up with her private affairs, he was placed with a surrogate family. The Biggles.

“So how is your new step bwother and sistwer Cartman?” Stan mocked out of no-where.

Cartman flinched, “They know how to leave me the hell alone hippy.”

Kyle smiled, “Have you used up your allowance yet like you did last week?”

Cartman ignored him. The Biggles spoiled him almost as much as Liane did, but with a more stable touch. Stan would never admit it, but he was a bit jealous because after his own parent’s divorce it was strange to come home to a house without his father present. 

“Thanks for the loan man.” Even though the soda was only a dollar, Cartman had terrible interest rates. 

They entered the cafeteria and sat at their usual table. Immediately slipping into gossip and complaints about the workload of certain classes. Butters joined in and Jimmy did briefly before leaving to join Clyde. 

“You’re lying Cartman,” Stan replied as he munched on a carrot. 

“I'm seriously, the Biggles play board games like Mormons do!” 

Butters shrugged, “Then maybe try and join once?”

“Like hell I'll be assimilated into their WASP cult.”

Kyle snorted but looked to Kenny instead of the conversation. Kenny played with his phone and idly drank from the chocolate milk Butters always “trades” him. Trade not being the operative word, as Butters never got anything back but always insisted it was a “trade”. 

Butters was folding the trash from his meal and getting it ready for the bin, Kyle was always dumbfounded when he watched. Kenny rose from the table first, obviously heading to the back of the school for his usual smoke break. 

“Catch cha later,” he smiled before walking off. 

\---

The goth kids glanced at Kenny as he approached. Flipping through his phone he lit a cigarette and sat down in his usual spot. He and the other kids didn't interact but seemed to have an understanding. He stayed to one side and minded his business as they did theirs. But the real reason was that whenever either party had smokes to sell, the other would buy. Camaraderie.

The goth kids turned to see a shorter blonde approach in a blue jacket. Kenny glanced at Butters and pursed his lips, Butters felt his heart rate rise. Smoke blew out from between Kenny’s lips and dispersed before he returned to his phone. 

Butters awkwardly waved at the goths and they stared back, “H-hey fellas.” He did a light jog past them and went to Kenny. 

Sometimes Butters came outside with him to just shoot the shit but Kenny didn't want to discuss what he was about to bring up. “Stan says you may need help in calc?” Butters asked with the sweet innocence everyone associated him with. 

Kenny got half way toward the filter and flicked his cigarette to the ground before putting it out with his boot. 

“Lets go inside,” Kenny gestured with his head. 

He and Butters had a short course load due to credits and got out at 1pm. But they usually waited till 2 for the rest of their friends to walk home as a group. They went back inside to spend the time in the library.

“I was thinking of asking Kyle to help me with calc,” Kenny brought up as he held the door for Butters. “Stan and I were still talking about it.” 

“I'm sure he would help,” Butters smiled and entered. He felt a bit hurt that Kyle was his first choice but didn't want to press. 

“Do you think it would annoy Kyle if I did?”

“Nah, we’re all friends,” Butters chimed back. 

They walked around the shelves and Butters suggested getting some study guides. Kenny made a sour face at the idea, accepting and asking for help weren't his strong suits. 

Kenny stared out at the assortment of books. Butters was debating to ask Kenny outright if he could help him. He bit his lip and sighed, he didn't think it was wise to ask. Being alone with him for prolonged periods of time probably wouldn't end well. 

“I'm gonna go use the bathroom,” the smaller blonde stated as he pointed towards the stalls. Kenny nodded and watched him go.

When Butters entered he went to the sink and washed his face, he stared at his reflection and felt silly that he was trying to get alone time with his secret crush. Kenny quickly strode in and Butters stood still. Butters left his hands under the water, telling himself not to look as Kenny walked to the urinal. 

The water grew hotter but the sound helped block out the image of Kenny being so close to him with his dick out. He reached to turn off the water and spared a glance despite himself. There was a small glint and Butters squinted. But Kenny shifted and Butters quickly turned to dry his hands. 

Kenny moved to flush with his elbow and tucked himself away. Butters swallowed and made his way out of the restroom, perceiving the event as more embarrassing than it truly was.

Kenny met him outside the room and asked if he wanted to head to the front of the school.

“Sure, let's go.” The smaller replied with a slightly squeaky voice. 

\---

The gang met up and left campus, walking as a group till they reached their individual homes. Butters mulled over what he saw, staring at the ground, _“What was that glint earlier, was it a trick of the light?”_ He looked up and wished he could see it again. Then flushed at the thought.

Kenny put an arm around Kyle and asked, “Would you be down to help me study for calc?” 

Stan looked surprised and Cartman side eyed them but didn't speak up either. 

“Ugh you reek!” Kyle spat out. “You gotta stop smoking man.” 

“I've tried, but I'm addicted.” Kenny smiled, “It's not like it’ll kill me anytime soon.” 

“It's so nasty, you gotta kick it.”

“Find me a new addiction and I will.” Kenny cocked his head and pressed him, “So will you help?”

“Ugh fine.” 

“Tonight? Tutoring at your place?”

Kyle glanced at Cartman for some reason but turned back, “Fine.”

Butters felt a sting of jealousy but buried it, figuring Kyle was the better student. 

Apparently Cartman had held his tongue long enough, “You trust the ginger to help you with your grades Kenny?”

Kyle gave him a small glare but turned his attention back to Kenny, “You can come over today and we can start.” 

Cartman scoffed and Butters could swear he sensed jealousy from him too. 

Kenny nodded, “I have to stay late for drama class tomorrow to finish prepping the theater, so today would be perfect.” 

“Really?” Butters tilted his head, he had long since quit drama but liked that he heard about it every now and again from Kenny. 

“They always make me do it cause I'm less accident prone I guess? But it's so damn annoying.” He was right in a sense, he hadn't died in a while, despite trying. 

Cartman barked, “Why are you even in that gay pussy class? To get chicks?”

Kenny rolled his eyes, “Yeah right, I’ve tried, they’re all too busy for that.” Butters bit down his frown at being reminded of Kenny’s sexuality. 

Cartman chuckled, “They probably all know you have herpes and are staying clear.” 

Kenny roughly kneed him in the calf and Cartman stumbled. Eliciting a laugh from Stan and Kyle. 

“Fuck you Kenny!” Cartman exclaimed as Kenny fell back with Butters in the group. 

Butters fidgeted with his fingers before looking up to Kenny, “What are you going to do to get home if you have to stay late?”

Kenny shrugged, “Guess I'm gonna have to walk home at night, so that's ass.” 

Butters swallowed, “W-well shoot I could give you a ride home Kenny.”

Kenny raised an eyebrow, “Really?” 

“Well sure,” Butters smiled. He had his own car after all, sorta. 

“Cool, thanks!” Kenny smiled and Butters heard his heart again. 

Cartman smirked, “Yeah just get your boyfriend Butters to give you a ride.” 

Kenny glared at him, “Jealous you don't have a license fatass?” 

Butters was flushed under the idea of being Kenny's boyfriend and the world went white.

Cartman spun, “That bitch at the DMV had it out for me!”

Kyle yelled back, “Probably because you kept calling her a bitch and threw the stapler at her!”

“She wouldn’t give me the right answers!”

Kenny huffed, “She wasn’t supposed to! It was a written test dumbass!”

“Just cause you guys passed doesn’t mean I can’t!”

Stan chimed in, “Aren’t you banned for another 6 months from trying again?”

“YES but not for failing the test!”

Butters was still in his fantasy of having Kenny in his modest decade old Nissan that his dad had gotten him. They would listen to his playlist and Kenny would touch his hand on accent and shy away but Butters would smile and it would be magical. He would roll the windows down and drive through the crisp night air before his boyfriend kissed him and their breath would fog the windows and-

Butters’ smile grew as he turned to look up at Kenny, he was rubbing his pierced ears to warm them. Butters made a note to turn the heat on in the car tomorrow as well.

\------

You make it difficult to not overthink  
And when I'm with you I turn all shades of pink, ah  
I wanna touch you but don't wanna be weird

Crush - by Tessa Violet


	2. Depressed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for kudos and bookmarks!

The next morning, Kenny was standing with Stan and Kyle before noticing Butters by the lockers. Kenny immediately ran over to him, “So I'll see you later tonight right?” the parka blonde asked, his hood bobbing as he jogged up.

“Yep you got it!” Butters beamed.

“When you drop me off, can you do it just before the train tracks?”

“Uh-sure.” Butters wasn’t sure why Kenny didn't want him to see his house, he had before. 

“Thanks! After my lunch smoke I’m gonna head to drama club. Catch you later!” Kenny headed off as Butters nodded. 

Dougie appeared spontaneously, “Why do you like him?”

The small blonde flinched, “Ah!” His small red-headed friend was like a cat. 

Dougie stared back through his thick glasses, “Not even denying it anymore?”

Butters blushed and mumbled something before they walked down the hall. “We are only friends,” he defended. 

“But you wanna be more?” 

“I doubt we ever will be,” Butters whispered. 

“Well not with that attitude,” Dougie stated. 

“Well I-I can't just, you know ask him.”

“Yes you can, it seems easy.” Dougie had no experience dating but assumed it was simple enough. 

Butters sighed, “I’m driving him home later, I’ll wait for a sign or something.” 

Dougie rolled his eyes, “He could kiss you and you’d think it was just him being nice.” Butters blushed at the truth in that statement. Dougie continued, “Is he doing better though?”

“I hope so,” Butters gave a small smile and Dougie nodded, neither of them speaking of the incident.

\---

The sun was going down as Kenny finished the auditorium. Butters didn’t want to bother him so he joined him a few hours after class. 

“You could’ve gone home and come back,” Kenny remarked as he set up the ladder but smiled at Butters. 

“Nah it's okay.” Butters played with his fingers as he took a seat in the bleachers. The auditorium was spacious, with large windows casting the sunset’s colors across the far wall. 

Butters looked up as Kenny climbed the ladder and moved the curtains back. Butters sighed in bliss as the stage lights back-lit the other boy’s head in a halo, light gleaming through his golden locks perfectly. 

Kenny lifted the rope and swung it over his head to keep it from falling as he worked. A sudden dark bile rose in Butters’ throat. He pictured the rope around Kenny’s neck as he swung-

Butters shook his head and grabbed the arm rests. When he looked back up he saw Kenny throw the rope over the poles for the curtains, tying it and securing it. With a shake Butters left the seats and approached the stage. 

Kenny got off the ladder and tugged on the rope, the curtain swayed but didn't move from its set spot. "One down," he smiled and wiped his face.

“One to go,” Butters awkwardly replied with a forced laugh.

Kenny waved his hand by his face and removed his parka, “These lights are hot.”

Butters halted as the other blonde unzipped it and threw it to the corner. He wore a black band tee that looked crisp despite Kenny's reputation for tattered and messy clothes.

Kenny leaned against the ladder, “Can you hold this?” He offered the coat with a smile.

“S-sure.” Butters got on the stage but noticed that Kenny’s revealed wrists were covered in bracelets. His coat usually covered his arms. Butters felt bile rise again, remembering what happened only a few weeks ago. "Do, um, do you wear these to hide the scars?" 

Kenny sighed and removed the set from one wrist and Butters saw the light scars that crossed back and forth. When Kenny didn't reply Butters continued, "Do you think you'd ever do it again?" Unable to stop himself.

"Nah." Kenny slipped the set back on, but handed Butters one. 

Butters took it as Kenny began to move the ladder. It was a woven bracelet with small beads in the middle. 

"Keep it, I've got plenty cause Karen makes them."

Butters frowned. Kenny said he stopped cutting when his sister went to the hospital. 

“Are you feeling better? Is your sister?"

"She is good, and yeah I guess so. I’m just- I think the word is apathetic."

Butters looked down as he slipped the bracelet onto his own wrist. That didn't mean happy.

Kenny changed the subject, “You ever see your dad anymore?" He asked before ascending up the ladder for the next curtain. 

Butters held the ladder and looked up. Butters’ dad had officially come out as gay and prompty left South Park. Leaving his mother quite distraught, and quite unstable. He sulked, "No but I do talk to him on the phone and stuff.”

"That's good at least." Kenny pulled the rope to the curtain and tied it. 

There was a pause and Butters looked out at the seats, "Do you think you'd ever do it again?"

Kenny halted and knew exactly what Butters was referring to, but it wasn’t cutting this time. 

A few weeks ago Kenny had wanted to see what slitting his wrists in the tub was like, dark he knew, but he had grown a small affinity for trying new ways to die at one point. Figured it would be slow and that he would again wake up in the morning unharmed. It stung and the water kept the cuts from forming strong platelets and healing so he should have bled out. He didn't realise you needed to cut down, not across in order to bleed out in the time allotted. Because, unfortunately, his mom came home a bit too soon and called the paramedics. He woke up in the hospital instead and was forced to go to counseling.

He sighed, "I can't really say." Being able to wake back up each time he died, had left him melancholy about this sort of thing. The reset on his life always seemed to correct any errors and wipe memories. 

"Do the counselors help?" Butters turned to look at him. 

"Ehh," Kenny shrugged, and descended the ladder, "I lie and say I'm fine, tell them what they wanna hear, then they give me meds." He was honest with Butters. He didn't see a reason not to be. He didn’t need the meds, nothing could cure his curse of perpetual rebirth. 

Kenny hated that his friends knew what he did, but he made sure Karen didn’t. Although his other friends had stopped bringing it up weeks ago, he was amazed Butters still did at all. He often thought if he just did it again it would reset and they would forget, but sometimes it was finicky and people would remember events in different ways. Kenny wasn’t sure how to feel about this conversation anymore. 

“Well, I'm glad you’re still here though,” Butters smiled. 

Kenny bit back the urge to say _“That makes one of us”_ , but instead smiled warmly, “Thanks man.” 

Kenny moved the ladder to the side and approached Butters, "Enough depressing shit. Wanna help me set up lights?"

“Sure.”

They pulled some colored frames from storage and screwed them into the floor lights. It was 8pm by the time they got out and headed for the parking lot, snow not quite falling yet but the cloud coverage threatened to. They got in the car and Butters turned on his heater as well as his modest handmade playlist. 

“So how was studying with Stan yesterday?” he hoped he didn't sound jealous. 

“It was strange, it seemed like he wanted to kick me out but his mom kept offering me food so,” Kenny shrugged with his hands in his pockets. 

Butters was thankful that he didn't have to scrape snow off his windows and that they could just easily pull out of the parking lot. “Did you feel like he helped you solve anything?” Butters had secretly been hoping that Kyle wasn't a very good tutor.

Kenny sighed, “It felt like he wanted to be somewhere else, so I just worked while he checked over the answers. I felt kind of ignored,” he then lowley whispered, “like I don’t get that enough at home.” The woods passed by as Butters drove to SoDoSoPa. 

“I'm sorry to hear that, well you know I can help. We could meet at the park or the library?” He glanced at Kenny’s hands, still in his parka pockets. Still too far for optimal hand holding. 

The taller blonde adjusted his seat, “Would you have the free time?”

“Of course! I would lov- I would be happy to help.” Butters beamed. 

Kenny smiled back at him as they approached a stop sign, “Maybe Kyle is too busy with someone to help, Stan always is with Wendy.”

“Maybe he didn’t want to be rude. But who?” They pulled over by the train tracks and Butters felt a bit disappointed in his unfulfilled fantasy. 

“No clue.” Kenny felt like his friends were starting to keep him out of the loop. He opened the door,“Thanks!” he saluted as he stepped out of the car. 

Butters waved him goodbye as he watched the orange parka disappear down the street. His playlist turned to a sad tune as he made a u-turn to head home. 

\---

Inside his house Kenny plopped his bag down and headed for the kitchen, his older brother was asleep on the couch and his parents were nowhere to be found. 

He flipped out his phone and texted his sister with one hand as the other made a sandwich. Karen and him would text as she waited out treatments and tests in the hospital, so far unable to return home.

Karen asked, “Mom and dad haven’t visited me in a few days, do you know what they are doing?”

He cut the sandwich in half and left one slice for his brother by the couch. Kenny took a bite before deciding how to reply.

“I haven't seen them today, I’ll come see you tomorrow tho.” 

“No you have to study! Did ur friend Butters agree since you said Kyle was rude?”

Kenny laughed, “It’ll be no problem.”

“Nice try, but I know you have your after school activities tomorrow too, so stick to that!”

Kenny remembered that “after school activities” were what he told her his counseling sessions were. 

“I could make it Karen!” but Kenny knew their parents giving a damn would make her feel better.

“Maybe if they don’t show then, like then the day after tomorrow.”

“Like then.” Kenny replied with a smile before heading to his room. 

“Maybe bring a game again! On the weekend.” 

“No problem.” 

As he got ready for bed he heard his brother wake up and exclaim in joy for the half a sandwich. Kenny turned out his light and went to sleep, hoping for an easy day. 

He was woken up a few hours later with loud shouts and slamming. He groaned. His parents were home. He put a pillow over his face but the drunken hollering continued into the hall. He was glad Karen wasn't home to hear this nonsense but he also wanted to sleep himself. He heard some doors open and close and distant noise in the kitchen. 

Then he heard his door opening with a loud creek, it almost made him jump out of skin but he kept still. Hoping to keep whoever it was fooled and damning himself for not locking it. 

“Kenny?” His mom peeked into the room, he stifled a groan and pretended to sleep. 

“I think he’s asleep,” she whisper-yelled to his dad. 

Kenny continued to glare at the wall. He could see her shadow approach from the light coming through the open door. 

“Kenny, we came back a little drunk.” She stumbled to his bed and he squared his shoulders. 

She patted his shoulder and mumbled something he couldn't really make out. He then heard her leave and close the door. He had a feeling they weren’t going to make the effort to see Karen.

\------  
'Cause all the kids are depressed  
Nothing ever makes sense  
I'm not feeling alright

all the kids are depressed - by Jeremy Zucker


	3. Living Life

Kenny’s parka hood was pulled back as his face was resting softly against his folded arms inside the library. Butters shook him slightly and tried to look at his face, but he was sound asleep. Butters looked around before snapping a picture and setting it as his contact image for Kenny.

When Butters shook him again Kenny quickly sat up right and Butters jumped. When their eyes met Butters asked, “Did you sleep well last night?”

Kenny rubbed his eyes, “Not really.”

“Do you still want to take notes?” Butters offered him a pen but Kenny took his hand instead and held it for a bit longer than expected. Butters felt his cheeks grow hot but Kenny eventually let go and took the pen.

“Is something the matter?” Butters innocently asked, but no response or excuse was given. Butters eyed him suspiciously but figured it was just Kenny being sleepy. The other boy stretched and shifted in his coat. “Wanna come to my house and study later? If you wanna rest right now?” Butters asked but immediately felt regret at seeming pushy.

Kenny rubbed his face again, “Nah, let's just go to the field by my house when I am done with the counselor. I'll meet you in front of the school when I’m done if you don't mind waiting.” 

“I don't! I'll go see Dougie,” he replied.

Kenny yawned, “Sounds good.”

\---

Kenny was forced to go to two separate counselors, one at school and one the state of Colorado brought in every week. Mr Mackey was sufficient enough and easy to talk to, he was there as an obligation from the school.

The specialist however, was different. She prescribed medication and seemed to want assurance about his well being. Something about the state and child welfare that he had to be looked into and checked in on by her. 

She was calm and collected, “So how has your week been?” 

They met in Mackey’s office and Kenny was sure she had a name but he could never remember it. “Not bad,” he regarded her coolly. 

“Any trouble sleeping lately? My neighbors got a new dog and it's been keeping me awake at night with its barking.”

“Nope.” She obviously saw that he was. Trying to use a personal touch for a real answer, though he was curious if the dog was real. 

She leaned closer, “And how about your medication, any changes in mood or side effects?” 

“Nope, been the same.” He didn't take it so nothing to really report. 

“Any anxiety or prolonged negativity is normal,” she smiled with assurance.

Waking up with negative feelings? Check. Anxiety over school and friendships? Check. Feelings of being stuck in a time loop with no control over your life? That's a check. 

“A bit but it's manageable,” he gave her a reassuring smile back. 

“Have you been looking forward to anything recently? Anything you are hopeful toward?”

He perked his eyebrows at that, “I guess so?” but he had to think on it and decided to lie, “A girl at school named Bebe is throwing a party soon, gonna go with my friends.” 

He figured she was fishing for him to say something about his sister, or about his grades, or even a slip up like saying he was excited when school ended everyday. He didn't get excited anymore, or really hope for anything anymore. 

“Sounds fun! I'm sure you and your friends will enjoy it,” she nodded and gave off a warm energy he wished he could bottle. 

He was kind of looking forward to it though, he knew there would be drinks and loud music, perfect for escapism. 

“Do you have anything more you want to tell me?” she prodded. 

Kenny looked around. That this was a waste of time. That he couldn’t die so what's the point. That Eric Cartman should probably be in here instead. “Not really.”

“Maybe more about your friends?”

An unknown emotion crossed him and he didn't know how to reply, “What about them?”

“If you're going to the party, which ones would you be going with?”

Kenny made a show of looking at his fingers to count but said, “One.”

“One?”

“I'll probably arrive early and the other friends will show up in a group without me.” He started to sweat, that probably wasn't the right answer. It also felt like it was a lie to himself.

“That can't be true.” She looked taken aback. She was right it wasn't.

“I'd just take Butters and disappear into the crowd,” he shrugged. That probably wasn't the right answer either, he was beginning to display negativity. Kyle and Stan were so busy anyway what did it matter? 

“Butters?”

Kenny looked back at her, “Yes?” 

He was certain he’d mentioned him before. The ticking of the session clock seemed to grow louder. 

“Is Butters a good friend of yours?”

\---

When Kenny emerged from the office he texted Butters and the little blonde boy appeared a few minutes later for them to walk home. 

“How's Dougie been?” Kenny asked, wanting to seem polite. 

“Good! He might get advanced placement next year.” 

“That's impressive.” Kenny had no clue what that meant. 

“How was your session?”

“She talked a lot.” 

Butters laughed at that and Kenny smiled despite himself. They walked out of the school and headed down the road. Her words still rang in Kenny’s head, _“Is Butters a good friend of yours?”_

He sighed before asking spontaneously, “Why don't you just drive to school all the time?” 

“Oh! Uh it's just nice to walk, plus I don't wanna waste my money on gas.” 

Kenny accepted that answer but suddenly stopped in his tracks, “Oh shit. Hold on I have to get my book from Kyle’s.”

“Oh? I don't think he'll be home right now he told me his family was going out.” 

“It's fine he gave me a spare key.” Kenny was a bit worried that Kyle hadn't told him that though. 

When they arrived they paused in front of their friend’s house and Butters waited outside as Kenny slipped in. 

Once inside he looked around the living room before spotting the book in the kitchen. It seemed no one was home. He grabbed it and quickly placed it in his bag. A noise from upstairs startled him and he walked towards the banister. 

“Hello?” he asked with a calm inside voice but no one replied. 

When he was last over, Kyle kept texting someone and looked irritated going over calculus with him. Math was made by the devil he understood that, but the ignoring part got to him. Kenny side eyed the steps, betting there was more going on.

He climbed the steps before seeing Kyle’s discarded jacket, “Oh he must be in the shower.” 

His eyes flicked up to the cracked door where a muffled noise was coming from. Curiosity got the better of him despite the rising disbelief in his core. 

He slowly crept towards it with the delicacy of little cat feet. He peered in through the crack to see the red head pressed against the covers. His hat was coming off as he slid back and forth on his back. Another mouth came to meet his lips and the rocking slowed but didn't stop. 

Kenny whipped back to the wall and clamped a hand over his mouth. He couldn't move, but he knew he had to leave. He inched down and slowly went back downstairs and out the front door, as quiet as he had arrived. 

He was sure his face was flushed as he greeted Butters to leave. 

“Did you get the book?” Butters asked as Kenny roughly gripped his arm to lead him up the street. 

“Mmm yep!” he replied hastily, “I know why he’s been busy too.”

“Busy? Doing what?”

“Looked like extra curricular activities,” he smirked.

“Good for him!” Butters smiled. 

\---

They hustled to the space behind Kenny’s house. Kenny rarely let anyone in but enjoyed the forested space around it for meetups. They sat next to the wooden fence and Kenny brought out his battered notebook and binder. Butters pulled out his calculator. 

“Where is your calculator for the class?”

“I can't afford one so I usually just borrow one.”

“Well here you can use mine, I'm not getting much use for it anymore.”

“Thanks,” Kenny seemed reluctant to take it.

They worked through a few problems and Butters mainly showed him more ways to use the calculator. “This might be why you're not doing so well, for a lot of these problems you really need a calculator.”

“I guess that's good news then.” 

Kenny pulled out his phone as it started to buzz. Butters continued checking the work and was happy to see that a majority were right. A few minutes had passed and Kenny was still texting.

Butters looked up, “Who are ya texting?” he felt inclined to ask.

“Karen is still in the hospital, I text her to try to keep her company.” 

“She has that immune disorder right?” 

Kenny nodded curtly, “My parents haven’t gone in to see her in awhile.”

“Really?”

“They actually stopped drinking for a bit when they found out, but now…” Kenny stared out at the forest and put his phone away. 

“Well geez that's awful of them,” Butters added. Small muffled crying made Butters look up from the work. Kenny slid down the fence and put his head on his knees. Butters gasped and got up to sit across from Kenny, “Oh! She'll get better, that's why she's in the hospital.”

Kenny bit into his parka to keep from crying loudly, “You don't know that.” 

Butters looked panicked, “Everything's gonna be alright. It's gonna be okay.” It came out instinctively. He patted him lightly but didn't want to disturb him too much. 

Kenny hiccuped, “But if she dies she's not coming back.” Unlike him, a fact no one in South Park really grasped. 

“Well yeah, it may hurt but, with time it will get better, it will be fine to-”

“But I'm not fine. It hurts, it hurts that no one cares.” Kenny gripped his knees and pulled more in on himself, “It's either no one cares or no one remembers.” 

Butters frowned, “I care.” 

Kenny grit his teeth and swiveled his jaw, before he sighed into his hand. Butters sat on his haunches and tried not to touch him but his fingers itched to do so. 

“I'm sorry Ken, but you know that none of it is your fault? Right” 

Without realizing it, Butters was addressing more than one issue that Kenny had on his mind. The orange parka boy wiped his face, it was flushed and his hair was disheveled. Butters looked at the dirt and tried to find the next best thing to say. 

Warm skinny fingers brushed across the sides of Butters' face. As his eyes looked up, he caught a glimpse of pink before he felt warm lips against his. 

Butters gasped into Kenny’s mouth as the other blonde’s hands gripped against his face. Butters put his hands onto Kenny's shoulders to steady himself but inadvertently fell backwards off his heels. 

His head hit the dirt and Kenny's face bumped harshly against his. Butters bit his own tongue and Kenny hurt his nose. They both hissed in pain before Kenny quickly stepped off of him. 

Butters felt dazed but blinked a few times. He looked up and took Kenny's offered hand to stand.

Before Butters was able to say a thing Kenny cut him off with a light wave, “See you at school tomorrow.” 

He headed toward the woodland path that led to his backyard and quickly disappeared. Butters was left in the cooling forest and lowland chirping insects.

“B-but?” Butters touched his lips. 

Kenny was probably just being nice. 

\------

I've been living life  
Like I live twice 

No Type (Xavier Dunn Cover) - by Rae Sremmurd


	4. Feel Nothing

Butters shifted uncomfortably, feeling guilty and hoping no one could see his imagination. He closed his eyes, whenever he thought of Kenny in a matter that wasn't...proper...he felt guilty. 

When he got home he texted his long distance friend Bradly, really the only other boy with problems like this. 

Bradly simply replied: “Is he cute?”

Butters laughed despite his nerves and wrote back, “Very, but we are just friends, I feel bad thinking of him like this.”

“The thoughts can't hurt you Butters. They prob feel safer than the idea of really being with him. Just imagine some scenarios for fun.”

Butters flipped over and sighed shakily into his pillow. He really liked that kiss, but it was probably in the heat of the moment. He closed his eyes and felt like he was being too negative, but he wouldn't accept the alternative. The alternative that Kenny liked him. 

Butters groaned, he didn't want to tell Dougie yet, he would probably poke fun at him. He gripped his pillow tighter in frustration, if he hadn't fallen backward they might have done more.

The mere fact that they kissed at all still made his skin hot and he buried his face more. If his mom ever found out she would- well he didn't know what she would do. He pictured her head exploding and giggled.

He grabbed his phone and replied: “Tomorrow I'll just ask him.”

Still filled with the desire to share his experience, he decided to text Kyle, who was thankfully still awake. “Kyle, Kenny kissed me.” It was bland and basic but it made the red head immediately call him. 

Butters gasped as he quickly answered, “Hello-”

“Where?”

“B-by his house.”

“Are you guys dating now?”

Butters stammered, “N-no?” 

Kyle paused, “Don't think, just answer: Do you like Kenny?”

“Y-yes”

“Do you want to date Kenny?”

“I-”

“Just answer! Don't think!”

“I can't-”

“Do you want to date Kenny?”

“I-”

“Well!”

“I- I do! I want to!” Butters started crying, he fell forward and held his face. “I really do.” 

“Then tell him that.”

“Ah! No-no! He'll say he doesn't have time for me. That's what he says about all his girlfriends.”

“Well duh, cause he didn’t like them.”

“So you think he likes me?”

\---

Butters arrived at school early, nerves on edge and feeling antsy. He saw the orange parka arrive through the doors, fiddling on his phone. Butters took a deep breath and approached him. 

Kenny lightly brushed his unkempt short hair back and Butters halted. His hair was cut and he had no gauges or piercings. His face seemed different as a whole. 

Butters gawked but Kenny gave him a half smile and continued to walk to class aloof as always. Butters’ body turned to watch him go. 

\---

At lunch Butters stared across from him. Kenny’s hair was shiny and seemed to glow, as did his skin. Butters wasn't sure if it was just his imagination or the butterflies taking roost in his stomach. He offered him his chocolate milk and Kenny smiled graciously. 

Stan started with, “Wendy wants me to help set up Bebe’s party.”

“Whipped,” Cartman replied.

Kyle scoffed, “It's a party, all it means is you'll have to be there early.” 

Kenny slowed his chewing to stare at Kyle and Cartman. He took out his phone and started texting again.

Stan added, “Yeah but I don't wanna lift anything heavy or whatever dude.” 

Cartman stole some of Stan’s food, “Yeah you've already got the weight of your bad relationship on your shoulders.”

Kenny laughed and Stan tried to steal his food back. They bickered but Butters was drowning it out until it became white noise and he was unable to take it anymore.

“Where are your gauges?” He blurted to Kenny. 

Kenny touched his ears, “I know right, I had just gotten them the way I wanted.” Kenny kept his hand by his ear but froze on his phone. 

Kyle looked confused, “Gauges? Kenny never had gauges?” 

Stan nodded, “Yeah those take a long time to grow out man.” 

Kenny took a shaky breath and looked up again, “Too much of a pussy to get 'em done?” 

Stan balked, “They hurt!” 

Cartman giggled, “Yeah and we already know Stan isn't manly enough to even lift some boxes for a party.” 

Kyle shot him a dirty look. 

Kenny smiled, “Nah they don't hurt, maybe one day I'll get em and show you.” 

Cartman squinted, “You guys mean those long ear things that tattoo shop burnouts have?”

Butters looked around the table, he poked at his meal and didn't bring it up again. Kenny's blue eyes roamed Butters’ face when he wasn’t looking.

Kenny stood, “I’m gonna head to the library.” 

“You're not gonna wait for us dude?” Stan replied

“Nah I gotta get a start on my calc work.” 

“I thought Butters was helping you?” Kyle added, looking to Butters.

The small blonde nodded, “I-I am we got the book from your place and-”

“It's nothing guys, I’ll see you later,” Kenny added as he picked up his stuff. 

Kyle squinted at Butters, “Yesturday?” 

“Yeah we came to your house.”

Cartman dropped his fork. 

\---

Butters headed to the back of the school to look for Kenny, figuring he was having his smoke break before heading to the library. 

When Butters didn't see him, he asked the goth kids, “Has Kenny come out here to smoke today?”

Henrietta side eyed him, “Why would we ever let that poser smoke with us?”

Michael added, “It's only ever us back here.” 

Pete flipped his hair, “We aren’t his keeper.”

Butters rushed to reply, “A-alright. I’ll just go now.” He quickly turned and ran off. The goth kids made no comment as he reentered the school.

Butters’ mind started to do gymnastics, did he get dropped in an alternate reality? Butters phone rang and he saw it was a text from Kenny to meet him in the library. 

Butters inhaled deeply, “I can do this.”

Butters peeked in through the library door but saw no sign of Kenny or any staff. He entered and walked to the main area. He leaned against the podium and pulled out his phone.

“How did you know?” a hoarse whisper met his ear.

“W-what?” Butters backed up into the podium. Kenny appeared in front of him and grabbed his shoulders roughly. 

“How do you remember?” Kenny's eyes looked hopeful and desperate, “How. Did. You. Remember.”

“Remember what?” Butters shook slightly. Kenny's chest heaved from holding back emotions. The grip on his shoulders loosened slightly. He sighed as his baby blue eyes searched Butter’s. For what, Butters wasn't sure, “Are you alright?”

Kenny let go and backed away, licking his lips and looking to the side, “Y-yeah.” 

Butters looked around the room, “Do-do you still wanna study today?”

Kenny sighed, “No I'm going to go see Karen.” 

“Why don't you smoke anymore? Err today?”

“What?”

“I went looking for you and…”

Kenny played with imaginary dirt on his jacket, “Because I don't want to get re-addicted, shits expensive.” 

“Re-addicted?”

“Yeah It can be useful in that sense, any prior harm gets removed, including addictions.” He shimmed in a small dance.

“What?”

“How did you know I smoked?” Kenny cocked his head with an odd smile.

“On a counta the fellas always teased you for it. And you always went after you ate.”

“You would wait?”

“Well yeah sometimes, and go see you.”

Kenny hummed at that, “Well I should get going.”

“I can drive you there?”

Kenny was headed for the door, “To where?” 

“To the hospital.” 

“Nah it's alright,” he gave a small sad smile and left. 

Butters felt deflated as the quiet room closed in around him

\---

Hells Pass Hospital was a gloomy place, but the rooms were clean and the staff were competent. Kenny took out a lollipop as he strolled to Karen’s room. He had spent a lot of time as both a patient and a visitor here. 

His sister smiled eagerly when she saw him, “Kenny!”

“How are you Karen?” he smiled back and pulled up a chair.

“Can I have a lollipop?” She asked. He took it out of his mouth and offered it, “Ew no!”

He laughed and handed her the extra that of course he had brought, “I have some new gossip for you.”

“Really?” she unwrapped the candy with enthusiasm. 

He whispered it like it was hot tabloid news, “I'm pretty certain that two of my friends are sleeping with each other.” 

“So they are dating?”

“Maybe?” Kenny propped his feet onto her bed from his chair. 

“You look different,” Karen squinted.

“How so?” 

“Maybe your hair? I don't know, kind of a déjà vu thing.” 

Sounds about right. He smiled and ran his fingers through it, “Just a cut.” 

“I like it,” she replied, almost dropping her candy from her mouth.

“Why thank you,” he gave a small bow from the chair. 

Of course not telling her that it was the result of being hit by a semi truck the previous night; while only feet from his house. Breaking his record of ‘days alive without incident’. God it hurt, it's not like he forgot how much it hurt, it was just, different from this. Apparently the driver fell asleep at the wheel, but either way the last thing he saw were bright headlights and then a warm sensation. He awoke of course the next morning and inspected his front yard to find that the tractor trailer was being towed. 

She broke his thoughts, “How's school been?” 

He snapped his head up and shrugged, “It's alright, counselors are getting nosey though.”

“Counselors?”

Shit he forgot, “No I meant my uh- clubs and after school stuff, my friends are getting nosey.” 

“Aw that means they care about you.”

He held back a groan, “Eh I guess so.” He bit down on his lollipop but it didn't crack. 

Her little feet kicked his boots, “What about Butters?”

He nearly choked, “What about him?”

“He is helping you?” 

Kenny rolled his shoulders, “Well kind of.”

“If you lost another tutor-”

“I didn’t!” He nudged her leg in mock anger. 

“You talk about him a lot, but not today.” She hadn’t received one text about him. 

“It's nothing, I just think…” he didn't know what to think. 

\------

If I could I would feel nothing  
That's the truth and I don't care  
...  
It's not right but life's not fair

if i could i would feel nothing - by blackbear


	5. Out of Stone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is longer I swear, this one is more just feeling out feelings and side plots. Half way mark baby!

At school, Butters was a bit relieved he hadn’t dreamed up Kenny’s new look when he saw him again. The crisp blonde hair was tucked loosely behind the parka hood that morning. He went to approach him but Kyle suddenly appeared and roughly grabbed Kenny.

“I need to see you about calc,” the red head roughly stated. 

“Oh-okay?” Kenny blinked.

Then they were off before Butters could say anything.

\--- 

Kyle led Kenny into an empty classroom, “This isn't about calc, I lied.”

“Oh?” Kenny pretended to be surprised.

“My mom has had security cameras in the living room since she caught my dad with another cat, she asks me to look them over for her sometimes.”

Kenny drew a blank as to where this was going.

“So I know you were there.” 

The lightbulb clicked on and Kenny bit his cheek. His eyes widened and he looked at the floor.

“Thanks for not saying anything.”

“Yeah no prob, I-I have some questions though.” 

Kyle sighed, “It just sorta happened.”

Kenny wanted to be an adult about this but just couldn't, “Like an accident? He tripped as his dick just kinda-”

“Dude! No!” Kyle fumed and Kenny held back laughter.

“How long has this been happening?” He snickered.

“Just-maybe two months.”

“I thought you hated his guts? But I guess you just prefer him in your guts-” Kenny got out before Kyle hit him in the stomach.

“And what about you and Butters? Huh!” Kyle adjusted his hat.

Kenny blanched, “What about us?” At least his friend didn’t aim for his nuts. 

“Why aren't you dating yet?”

“What? Why would we?” He blinked but started to turn pink.

“Ugh just stop, I know you kissed him.”

“I…” Kenny let the sound trail on. 

“Just, he likes you man. I want to see, nevermind.” Kyle shrugged before heading out. 

Kenny scratched his face before following, “Why would anyone like me?” Once in the hall he bumped into Butters again. 

The other blonde stammered, “Oh! Oh Kenny! Sorry I-”

Kenny adjusted his hood, had Butters followed them? He blocked out whatever the other was saying and focused on his face. Kenny swallowed before he bent and kissed Butters briefly again. Quickly and like a ghost, it made Butters freeze, when he pulled away he remarked coolly, “After school, let's go get ice-cream?”

“Okay?” Butters was beat red and visibly confused as Kenny dashed to class.

Kenny patted his face, he could do this. 

\---

After school, Butters approached his car nervously as Kenny was already there waiting. 

“Wh-where do you wanna go?” 

Kenny shrugged and flipped his hood back, “The one on main?” 

Butters nodded and unlocked the car, “Sure thing, that one is close.” 

As they drove off, neither of them spoke and it was relatively awkward until they reached the spot. Butters avoided bringing up how strange it was to get ice cream in already cold weather but, c'est la vie. He had learned that in French class, it meant “I’m a nervous wreck.” 

At the counter Kenny went first as Butters perused the selections. 

“Can I get butter’s cream?” Kenny said with a straight face, Butters went red, “I mean buttercream.” 

“Sure thing!” the woman behind the counter remarked.

Kenny paid for himself while Butters ordered Strawberry. They went to the outside sitting area which was abandoned since the light snowfall was beginning to come down. 

Butters sat on their provided metal chairs, and inwardly cursed at how cold it was against his pants. He looked up to see Kenny’s cone practically falling out of his hand. 

Butters scolded him, “You're making a mess.”

“I am?”

“You’re spilling it all over your hand.”

“Easy,” Kenny licked his palm provocatively until Butters looked away. 

Butters ate his food faster, debating if he should bring up the kiss, kisses. He got some on his cheek and Kenny leaned forward to grab his chin. “W-what is it?” he quickly asked. 

Kenny’s hot breath ghosted across Butters' face before he slipped his cold tongue across his lips. Butters gasped and opened his mouth with a shiver. Kenny ran his tongue across Butters’ and sucked on his bottom lip, eliciting a small cry. He moved his hand across the smaller blonde’s neck and snuck his fingers down his blue shirt collar. 

Butters leaned into Kenny’s touch, his mouth soon felt hot and he pushed back to catch his breath, shrugging Kenny’s hand off. Kenny leaned back and licked his lips, taking a few breaths himself. Butters looked at his hand and his ice cream had melted past the cone onto his hand. 

“Awh now I'm all sticky.” He had enjoyed the taste of buttercream cream against his strawberry though. 

Kenny giggled and Butters felt butterflies. Kenny took the cone to the trash and brought back a cup of water and some napkins. 

Butters looked at him for a moment before asking, “Why do you keep doing that?”

Kenny looked away, “Doing what?” 

Butters gave a half hearted glare but dropped it, “Lets just head to my house, my mom won't be home till later.”

Kenny stretched his arms out, “To study?” 

Butters sunk into his chair, “Yeah, study.” 

\---

Butters was even worse of a nervous wreck as they entered his house. He quickly went to his couch and dumped his schoolwork onto their coffee table. 

Trying to cover up for his nerves he quickly stated, “Okay! There’s going to be a test next week and I think we should cover some of the problems I think will be on it!” 

Kenny sat next to him and unzipped his parka, “Sure thing.” 

Butters fiddled with his fingers, “But-um, we should probably…” he turned to look at his friend who quickly stared him down. “Nevermind.”

“What?” Kenny cocked his head.

“It's nothing.”

“Is it this?” Kenny kissed him again and Butters sighed through his nose as he felt pressure against his chest. Kenny roughly grabbed his head and deepened their kiss, pushing his tongue in past the others teeth. Butters pressed back. The other boy smelled like pine and rain, but he tasted like-Butters eyes shot open and he pushed Kenny off. 

The parka-clad boy nearly fell off the couch but laughed it off, “Whoa are you trying to kil-?” 

“Now I have had just about enough of this.” Butters cheeks grew pink as he stood, “Now I want some answers.” 

Kenny gave him a crooked grin, “About my smoking or the ear-?”

“About why you keep kissn me!” Butters fumed. 

Kenny glanced to the side. 

“Now you can either tell me, or-or-or you can just get out, cause I don't wanna be fooled around with. No more.” He squared shoulders. 

“Hmm.” Kenny bit his cheek. 

“Cause I wanna know, does this mean you want to date, does this mean you like me?” 

Kenny swallowed but didn't meet his gaze, he instead got up and pulled his bag from the floor before suddenly leaving. 

Butters gave out a shaky sigh. That hadn’t gone as planned. 

\------

And no one can ever hurt me, like I’ve hurt myself  
Cause I’m made out of stone, and I’m beyond help.

Half A Man - Dean Lewis


	6. Good Things

The next day at school Butters avoided Kenny as best he could, he sat with his other friends and only made a passing glance at lunch with his food tray. It was then he noticed that Kenny had showed up with gauged ears again.

Butters froze and his food fell loudly to the floor, kids turned to stare as he stood motionless in the main area. Stan and Kyle looked and whispered before Kenny and Cartman turned. 

Butters huffed loudly as he saw Kenny’s uncaring expression. He trotted forward and grabbed the boy’s wrist, saying nothing as he attempted to bring him away from the table. Kenny put up a small fight before complying, he grabbed a handful of food as he was dragged out of the cafeteria.

Cartman raised his eyebrows, “Lovers spat?” As the rest of the friend group continued to eat.

Butters quickly led him to an open labs room. Kenny pursed his lips as Butters’ face turned red, “You need to stop playing pranks on me!”

“Pranks?” Kenny replied innocently, continued to eat his quickly snatched lunch. Butters went to grab his ears but Kenny pulled back, “What are you talking about?”

“They’re fake! Those are fake!”

“I always look like this,” he scrunched his face. 

“No you don’t! Well you did, but no!” Butters was exasperated and grabbed at his own hair. He had been hanging around with Tweek too much. 

“How do you know?”

Butters grabbed Kenny’s wrist and flipped it over, revealing unscared pink flesh and bracelets, “You’re different now, you look different! Why are some things different? I was just ignoring it-but then- you come in like this!?” 

Kenny clicked his tongue, he pulled out his gauges and revealed that they were just polymer clay attached to his lobes. Kenny's eyes glittered before Butters. “I didn’t think… anyone could remember.”

“Remember what?” 

“Well the scars are one. The smoking, but I put these on and everyone noticed and asked why, but only you knew that I used to have them. I really didn’t expect all three.” Butters swallowed as Kenny took an open seat. Kenny continued when he didn't say anything, “I'm sorry. I don't mean to mess with you. It's just that no one ever remembers. I wanted to make sure...”

Butters puffed his face up, “What do you mean no one remembers? Am I the only one that knows these things about you now? But they happened, how could people forget?” 

“I know right?” Kenny looked back at him with misty eyes, “It's nothing important.” He smiled and picked up his stuff.

“That's not fair.” Butters pouted, “I want to know. How come none of the other fellas get it?”

Kenny sat up straighter as he rifled through his bag, “I'm sorry about this, but I'm pretty confident you won't remember. Hey if you do, I’ll tell you everything. I promise.” 

Butters was tired of the back and forth, his stomach was gurgling from lack of food and he slouched beside his friend, “Remember what?”

Kenny kept digging in his bag, “Wait I forgot where I put it.” 

Butters sighed, “A photo or something?” He had already tried that, looking at old photos and found that they were now different. Even the one he took from when they were in the library.

“Oh now I remember!” Kenny crisply pulled out a 22 caliber pistol from his coat pocket. 

Butters felt the world slow down and his heart jump into his throat. “What are you-”

But his friend positioned the gun under his chin, and Butters’ world slowed down further, he felt he could feel his blood moving through his veins. 

Kenny looked past him, his face showing no emotion, as he pulled the trigger. A loud thunderclap shook the room and rattled Butters’ brain as he looked away in fear and shock.

Butters shot upward in his bed, breathing heavily and holding his chest. He touched his face and it was streaked with tears. He looked at his hands, expecting to see blood but it was just his pale trembling fingers. 

He turned to the clock and saw that he had awoken shortly before his alarm was set to go off. He panted and reached for his phone.

He texted Kenny, “Are you alright?” 

He patiently waited for any reply, it was just a bad dream right? It couldn’t have been a memory?

He tried to remember what happened after the class. Kenny had left after that and went home, he hadn't done anything so dark. Butters hugged himself and looked at his phone again. There was no reply, Butters figured his friend must've been asleep but then it buzzed. 

“Yeah. Why? It's like 6am dude.” 

Butters gripped his phone tighter. “Can I come see you?”

“Now? At my house??? Go to sleep Butters :/” 

“Please, something happened.”

“Like what? I have to catch the bus anyway.” 

“Let me take you to school! I’ll drive over!” He texted frantically as he dressed. 

“Dude whats your deal?” 

“I’ll be right over!” 

“Fine. I guess you can take me, I’ll be by the train tracks.”

—-

Once Butters saw the bright orange parka against the landscape he threw his car into park. He rushed forward and wrapped his arms around Kenny. It knocked the wind out of the taller blonde but he still stood. 

“Butters what the hell, let go,” Kenny rolled his eyes. 

“No.” He sniffled

“Was it your mom? What happened?” 

Butters hiccuped, “I had a dream you died.” Kenny's body jerked but Butters hugged him tighter. “It was awful.”

Kenny then seemed to relax and he put his arms around the Butters. “It's all right, I'm still here.” There was a pause as Kenny looked out into the snow drift, “Do you remember how?” 

\---

Butters swallowed as he gripped the wheel, “So you’ve always been like this?”

“Always.” Kenny’s breath fogged up the passenger window as he stared out. 

“And no one ever remembers?”

“Not until recently.” Kenny sighed, “You remembered the suicide attempt, other people do too, I still have to go to counseling so that stayed over, but actually getting killed, for reals, resets it. It was a truck a few nights back.”

“Ohhh, so you’re okay each time, but, but you don’t really want to be here?” Butters nearly choked on the question. He felt guilty at wanting to keep Kenny here. He thought it seemed selfish to want to keep someone around who didn't want to be here. 

Kenny pursed his face, “Not really.”

Butters paused, “Can I ask you a question though?”

“Shoot.” Kenny smirked at the irony. 

"Aside from you d-dying due to somebody else. I-I heard that you regret it the split second before it happens, is that true? Ta-taking your life.” 

Kenny stared off, it was true, well it used to be. The thought: _"This is gonna hurt again,"_ was more prevalent. “Kinda, like a moment of clarity yeah.”

“The fellas really never remember?”

“As far as I know, no.”

They pulled into the school lot at the same time the bus was leaving after dropping off their friends. 

Cartman was of course the first to speak up, “What the hell!? Kenny gets chauffeured!?” 

Kenny smirked, “Jealous?” Kyle giggled and Cartman blanched. Stan walked past with Wendy but waved at them, Butters waved back. 

Cartman crossed his arms, “Having your boyfriend take you school is gay.”

Kenny brought Butters close to him, “Boyfriend. That's right.” Kyle made a surprised face and thumbs-upped Butters. 

Butters stammed, “You-you wanna be my boyfriend?”

Kenny smiled brightly, “You got it.”

\---

Like a montra Kenny repeated to no end in his head: 

“This will make me feel better right?”

Kenny played with his phone in class before the bell rang. 

“This will make me feel better right?”

He chewed idly in the lunchroom amongst his friends, smiled at Butters and the others.

“This will make me feel better right?”

He would complete his school work. Go to therapy. Visit Karen. 

“I'm not feeling any better,” he remarked aloud, forgetting where he was. 

Butters sat up more at the lunch table, “Are you tired?”

Kenny rubbed his eyes, “A little, after that calc test.” He didn’t admit to feeling drained, something like feeling sad but not, since the absence of sadness isn't happiness. 

Butters fiddled with his fingers, “Sorry that I woke you up though...earlier this morning.” Not elaborating for the rest of the table. 

Kenny slumped, “Nah, I’m sorry I made you worry.”

Stan chimed in, “Worry about what?”

Kenny rolled his shoulders, “It's nothing.”

Kyle added, “Don’t be too down about the test Kenny, it's only a small portion of your grade right?”

Stan swallowed a bite of his sandwich, “Think about the positives, about how great tomorrow can be!”

Cartman scoffed, “Oh god hippie not this again, did Wendy give you a handy yesturday or somethin’?”

Kyle gasped, “Cartman!”

Stan growled, “Just upset cause you’re alone fatass.”

Cartman rolled his eyes with a smirk and got up to dispose of his tray. Butters joined him nervously to clean up as well. 

Kenny sighed, continuing the past conversation despite himself, “I don't have a future.”

Kyle’s eyebrow perked, “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean, I don't have much hope in my future. I'm just living day by day.”

“I thought that counselor was helping?” 

Kenny groaned, “Not really.” He hated that of all the things to remain and for people to remember, it was that. 

Stan slumped. “If you’re still depressed man you should see what other kinds of treatment you can get.”

Kenny watched Butters from across the way, “You can't really predict when it hits you, it just hits you. Like a semi-truck. Nobody can talk me out of feeling this way.”

Stan and Kyle shared a look that he caught from the corner of his eye. Kyle spoke first, “Well then maybe being around Butters is a good thing.” 

Stan nodded, “It can help give you perspective dude.” 

Kyle poked at his food, “Relationships are 50-50.” 

The blonde nodded, “Yeah.” Kenny agreed to date, hoping his smile would convey what he wished he could feel. It had worked earlier because Butters had beamed bright and overjoyed. 

Kenny felt his heart constrict, “I hope so.” 

\---

Butters offered to take Kenny home again after school, to which his new boyfriend eagerly agreed. But something felt different. He wasn’t gonna lie, it felt awkward. There wasn’t much to talk about, Kenny seemed distant now. 

Butters chewed his lip and was about to speak but stopped himself. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. 

Suddenly Kenny spoke up, “I think Kyle is hiding something.” 

Butters blinked at the chance for a conversation, “You do?” 

“I think he is seeing someone.” 

“Like who?”

Kenny scrunched his face, “I hope he tells us soon.” 

Butters added, “Kyle seems happy though and It looks like Stan and Wendy are getting along again.” 

“That’s true,” Kenny unbuckled his seatbelt as Butters pulled over. “See ya.”

“See ya,” Butters happily repeated but was caught off guard by Kenny's quick kiss before he zipped his parka and dashed off. 

Buttes was ecstatic the whole car ride home. He felt butterflies and smiled eagerly. Though he gripped the wheel as tears formed in his eyes. He shivered and wiped his face but the next surge rocked his body and he let out a sob. He smiled and felt like his face would crack.

Why did this feel scary yet exciting? 

\------ 

I've been around long enough now  
To know that the good things never last  
They never last.

Swimming pool - by The Front Bottoms


	7. Just a Little Sad

Once Butters stepped inside his home he physically felt his mood drop. His mom was in the kitchen slamming pots and plates around. He winced at her cursing and didn’t try to pick up the miscellaneous thrown utensils. 

He rubbed his shoulder and stepped forward, “Mom? Ma I'm home.”

The noise stopped and she appeared in the kitchen door frame, looking quite unhinged with messy makeup and dirty clothing, “Butters? Where have you been?”

“I was out ma, with my friend. I dropped him off at his house.” 

She came at him with such speed that he didn't have time to react. She slapped him and he hunched his shoulders in recoil, “Don't lie to me! Don't lie to me like your father did!”

“I'm not Ma,” he replied calmly. Although technically he and Kenny were more than friends now. 

“Liar!” She pushed him and he fell back against the front door, hitting the side of his face on the door knob. Her voice changed into one of caring and concern, “Oh! Oh my poor baby.” She hugged him, “I am so sorry Butters.”

She frantically looked around, leaving to bring him an ice pack. He placed it on his eye and stood, “Goodnight Ma.”

“I'm so sorry Butters! Mommy didn't mean it. Mommy loves you.” 

“I know Ma,” he replied calmly as he ascended the stairs. 

“D-don’t you want dinner?” 

“No thanks.” 

Not all days were like this, but some were worse than others. 

\---

Kenny was with Stan by their lockers the next day at school. Kenny crossed his arms in contemplation. “I think Kyle is hiding something.” 

“Like what dude? Why are you trying to start rumors?”

Kenny bit his cheek, one night while out walking he had heard Kyle and Cartman fighting. Mainly because he was eavesdropping from outside the front window of Kyle’s house, partly to check in on his friend and partly because he was nosey. 

That night he had heard Kyle yelling, “Do you think about what I want?” 

Cartman kept his voice even, “You're all I think about.”

It had been strange but relieving to see other people with relationship problems. Kenny scuffed his boots on the floor beside Stan, “Not a rumor man, I just think he’s been acting different.” 

Stan rolled his eyes, “So have you.” 

Kenny pretended to be struck, “Me? Never.” Knowing full well his friends couldn’t see through the cracks to his real problem. 

Stan waved at Wendy and she smiled back with Bebe, he then turned back to Kenny, “If he was hiding something we would know.”

“Would you?” Kenny raised his eyebrows. None of them were particularly sharp. 

Stan stammered, “L-like take this morning, we all walked to school? He seemed fine.”

Kenny gave him a look of doubt as Kyle and Cartman had been on separate sides of them the whole walk and then parted once they reached school. “I see stuff man, I just wish more people did.”

“You see what you wanna see dude.” 

Kenny groaned, “Ugh you just don’t get it.” He wouldn’t spill the beans but damn did he want to. He turned to see Butters arrive and approach them. He had makeup over his eye, though it didn't help with its swollen appearance. 

Kenny gasped and quickly closed the distance. “What happened?”

Butters tied to turtle into his jacket as Kenny grabbed his arm and took him into a spare classroom. 

“What happened?” Kenny took his hands, “Did you get in a fight? Who hurt you?”

Butters looked ashamed, “It was my mom again.”

Kenny felt sick,“I'm so sorry...Butters.” 

“I’m alright!” He waved his hands to try and calm the situation down, “I just went to bed.” 

“What set her off this time?” 

“I...came home late.”

Kenny slumped, “It was my fault.”

“No!” Butters waved his hands, “I didn’t tell her I’d be home late so she got... upset.” 

Kenny touched the swollen area, “Then no more car rides for a while.” 

Butters leaned into his hand, “I don’t care though really. I can still give you a ride, she has stuff tonight with her friends.”

Kenny half smiled, “I’m heading to the hospital tonight anyway, maybe I’ll catch you later.” He then brought out some relief gel from his bag, “Here, take this.”

Butters happily took it, “Thanks, I-I think it will help.”

Kenny smiled and opened the door for them to leave, he side stepped Dougie who had been waiting and who then gasped at Butters' face.

Butters panicked, “I’m fine! I fell at my mom’s.”

Dougie was red faced, “You said she was doing better!”

“She is!” 

Kenny didn’t want to hang and listen but he was nosey. 

Dougie added, “Your mom is insane, doing this all the time, that's why she sees a therapist.” 

Butters sighed as they headed to class and passed Kenny, “Not everyone who goes is crazy-”

“Butters that's exactly what it means.” Dougie glared at Kenny. 

They then left earshot and Kenny’s hands scrunched around his tattered orange parka sleeves. 

——

The hospital was just as dreary and boring as it ever was. This time however, with the added spice of the doctor bringing distressing news. 

“It's developed into a cardiovascular problem.” The doctor also proceeded to chastise Kenny for not bringing his parents along, as if he had a choice. The doctor explained how the disease had severely wounded Karen’s heart muscles, and that a transplant was imminent. 

Kenny ran his fingers through his hair and laid back in Karen’s hospital bed next to her, “Well at least it's news.” 

She was sitting up and still reeling from the information, “I hate this.”

“Hate being sick?”

“Yea,” she paused, “I’m gonna be okay. Right?”

Kenny paused,“Why wouldn’t you be?” Avoiding that he didn’t have an answer. 

“But that sounded scary.” 

“Lots of things sound scary, but they really aren’t.” Kenny placed his hand onto her shoulder. 

“So, it's gonna be alright?” Her eyes pleaded for an answer. 

He wanted to promise her it would be. Just like he promised himself he would be all right. Just like he kept insisting he would be all right to the paramedics that one night a few weeks past. It was always with a detached and isolated air. A deep seeded problem that no psychiatric facility could fix, that no doctor could take away, that nothing could make a difference.

He was a helpless literal defiance against God’s natural law, but she wasn’t. 

He sat up, “It's gonna be alright.”

Karen sighed, “A transplant… so then I would get someone else’s heart?”

“I guess so.” 

Karen pouted, “Someone would have to die for that to happen, that's sad.” 

“Not really.” 

“Yes it is, I would be sad if you died. You would be sad if I died, dying is sad.” 

Kenny scooted closer to her, “You’re not going anywhere anytime soon, and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.” 

Karen looked around the room, “If I do go, will you be okay?” 

“I already told you you’re not going anywhere.” 

Karen moved to stare at him, “Will you be sad though? Will you be alright?” Her eyes teared up a little. “You’re always there for me, but who’ll be there for you?”

Kenny felt like there was sand in his mouth, “Why are you worried?” 

“Because you’re already doing so much,” her voice hitched. “I want you and Kevin to just move out, and be happy, I want things with you and Butters to go well, I want to grow up and see everybody be alright.” 

Kenny patted her head, “We’re all good Karen.” He wiped away her tears, “Stop… thinking negatively.” A wave of hypocrisy washed over him. He swallowed the feeling and rose from the bed, “How about I go to the cafeteria and bring you back something?”

She continued to wipe her face but replied with a murmured, “Okay.”

Kenny smiled and proceeded to head down the hallway. His shoulders slumped and he wracked his brain for ideas but none formed. He stood in line at the cafeteria and thought about everything she said. He also wanted to move out, he did want to stay with Butters, and his friends. He sighed and wished time would stop. He heard a loud thud and some clanging, his PTSD of knocking at death’s door made him flinch and duck, causing other guests to stare at him. 

He laughed nervously and stood, seeing that the commotion was workers repairing a light rigging system in the corner. Large ceiling tiles were being moved and placed. Workers were yelling at each other, “Watch it!” “It’s fine!” “You could decapitate someone!” “They aren’t that sharp!” A tile fell down at an angle, slicing the foot off a chair. “Are too!”

With the inkling of an idea already beginning to form in his mind, Kenny paid and rushed back to Karen. When he entered the room he saw her with his bag, holding some notes. His counseling paperwork. 

“What is all this?” she innocently asked.

“Uhhh,” he set down the brownie he had bought onto the bed, “Nothing?”

The particular paper in question was a sheet marked, “Distorted Automatic Thoughts & How to Move Past Them.” Essentially a list with information on many forms of negative thinking: Overgeneralizing, Catastrophizing, Negative Filtering, Blaming, and more. 

She blinked, “What does it mean?” It had notes all over it about Kenny’s habits and many things were either underlined or marked with stars in blue ink. 

Kenny sucked his teeth and quickly lied, “It’s a paper to help students, here see? Some points are more for me and I’ve marked them.”  
Karen squinted, “For being depressed?”

Kenny didn’t like her saying that word, nor did he want her feeling she was responsible in any way, “Its more for students who are having trouble studying? Like me and my calc class.”

“Ohhh.”

Kenny took his bag and paper, “Why are you going through my stuff?”

“Your phone was ringing.”

Kenny checked it and it was from his brother advising him to come home late because their parents were at it again, “It's Kevin saying he hopes you are feeling better.”

She beamed, “Aww.”

He smiled back until the doctor returned with news about a transplant. 

—-

Butters was eating popcorn on his couch, talking away to Dougie on the phone, “Awh geez, I don’t wanna make anyone upset.” 

Dougie replied with a drawn out groan, “You never do. Its annoying” 

Butters took a sip of his soda, “It is?”

A loud haphazard pounding was suddenly heard on Butters’ front door. He scrambled off the couch and peered out into the night. He saw an orange parka with brown fur through the peephole. 

“Eh?” Butters blinked at his friend out in the cold. He opened the door, “Kenny!?” 

Dougie replied over the line, “What? Him?”

“I’ll call you back.” He hung up and opened the door. 

“I had to wait ‘till your mom left.” Kenny leaned and teetered on the step but made no move to step inside. 

“T-thanks but?” Kenny then lazily kissed him and half fell over. Butters sputtered from the contact, “You’re- you’re drunk?”

“Nah.” Kenny’s husky voice quickly replied. 

“T-then h-high?” Butters stuttered out as Kenny pulled him close and grinded against Butters saw that his eyes were dilated and glossy.

The other boy purred, “You make me high.”

Butters gasped as Kenny’s lips were roughly brought against his. He whined in protest as Kenny’s tongue stroked his, “Kenny!” He shoved him again but this time the boy fell backward into the snow. “Ah! Are you okay!?” 

Kenny began making a snow angel, “Oh man,” he giggled, “it's so cold out.” 

Butters groaned, already familiar with his friend’s substance abuse. “What happened? Why are you-” he didn’t want to use, “messed up”. “Why are you here?”

Kenny continued his motions in the snow, “Why not? I wanted to see youuuu.”

“I thought you said you didn’t want to do stuff like this anymore? You said you kicked the habit?”

Kenny laughed but it didn’t sound pleasant, “That was smoking. Plus I'll be fine, remember?” She laughed again bitterly.

Butters leaned over his friend, seeing that his face was red and puffy, “Were you getting back from the hospital?” 

Kenny swallowed and stopped moving his arms, “I hate it here.” He was looking through Butters again. 

“Did you get some bad news?” Butters crouched down beside him in the light snow, he was cold in his pajamas but would persevere. 

“Yes.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” The only thing Butters really knew about was that it was some kind of autoimmune disease? And that Kenny rarely talked about it. 

“No.”

“Well I think you do, that's why you’re here.”

Kenny grumbled, “It's terrible.”

Butters leaned in next to him, “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Kenny stared forward, “I never said that.”

Butters pushed his hood back, “What do you mean?”

“I never said I was alright.”

“Do- do you wanna come inside?”

Kenny stared up at the night sky. There were no stars, only dark clouds, Butters looked up with him but saw a plane’s lights flickering overhead, on its way to Denver. 

Kenny sighed through his nose, “I wish Karen could live forever, but I don’t, I don’t wish this on anyone.”

Butters moved his golden locks aside, “Do you want some hot coco?”

Kenny sat up, “No, I shouldn’t have bothered you.”

“You don’t bother me. I really do have coco.”

Kenny stood and brushed the snow off his pants, “I’ll go home now Butters. It’s Friday after all, you should relax.”

“Well if you’re alrig- okay with that?” Butters stood with him. 

“It's transplant stuff, and how there isn’t one readily available,” he rubbed his eyes, “then she found my papers on my thera-.” He sighed. Butters gripped his hand but didn’t know what to say. Kenny reached out and touched his eye, “At least it's gone down.” 

Butters flushed, his swelling had subsided a bit. Not knowing what to do next, he quickly hugged Kenny tightly and buried his face in his chest, “You will be alright.” It came out muffled from the fabric but Kenny hugged him back, a reassuring warmth spreading through the both of them. 

“Thanks.”

Butters could smell the wet earth on his jacket, as well as some kind of medicine that Kenny had probably swiped from the hospital. He rubbed his face against it and murmured, “Thanks for coming to see me though.” 

Kenny then cupped his face and kissed him sweaty, when he pulled away Butters could see the relief in his eyes. “I’ll see you later, don’t worry.” 

Butters wiped his face and waved as Kenny walked down his front path, he opened his door and lightly called out: “Love you,” like you would when ending a phone call. Realizing only a split second later what he had said, he started sweating and slammed his door. “Oh geez. Please, I hope he didn't hear that.” He clutched his head inside his home. 

\---

Oh but Kenny had heard and now he was forced to analyze what it meant. Unsure of what to do, he headed to Kyle’s next. 

After a few quick rasps to the door his red haired friend opened it in his pajamas, “Yes?” His little brother Ike was in the background completing a puzzle. 

“Are your parents home?”

“No, they went to eat with the Stevens.” 

“Good,” Kenny invited himself in.

Kyle was fine with it but asked, “Why don’t you ever call?” 

Kenny shrugged, “It's part of my charm,” he bent down to Ike, “Do you collect Chinpokomon?”

“Yeah!” he beamed back.

“Why don’t you go upstairs and pick out your favorite ones for me? Are they cool?” His tone was sweet and reassuring. 

“You wanna see!? Sure!” He placed a puzzle piece down and dashed off. 

Kyle squinted, “What was that for?” He then noticed Kenny’s eyes, “Are you high?”

Kenny turned stone faced, “Ignore that. Butters said he loves me.”

Kyle covered his face, “Oh.”

Kenny switched gears, “I never should have agreed to this! It was all your fault!” 

“My fault?” His friend blinked. 

“I shouldn’t be dating! look at me! Imma goddamn mess! You kept encouraging it!” 

“But you wanted someone Ken, you needed someone to really-help you.” 

“I don’t need help! I’m fine! I never wanted this.” He started pacing. 

Kyle crossed his arms, “That can't be true. You’ve always liked Butters.”

“Fuck you man, what do you know?” 

Kyle yawned at the display of anger and replied calmly, “You can’t just string him along. He cares about you. This is a natural progression.” 

“I'm not stringing him along!” 

Kyle then grew heated, “Then what is this then? You’re upset he cares about you?”

“No!”

“You don't think he means it?”

“I-I don’t know what to think.”

“Do you like him back?”

“Yeah?”

“Then what's wrong?”

“Me!”

Kyle scoffed, “This isn’t- Ugh, think of him. You only care about yourself-”

Kenny balked, “Only care about myself?? How fucking dare you! All I do is help everyone and give everything-”

“Then why won't you just be honest with him! Stop running away from your problems.”

“Why won't you be honest about Cartman?!” 

Kyle stiffened, “I-”

Kenny gave a wild smile, “It's a “natural progression” but you keep it a secret? Don’t youuu care?”

Kyle grew icy and raised his chin, “Butters is too good for you.” He turned for the kitchen. 

Kenny nearly punched him but followed, “What the hell does that mean?”

“Butters just cares for you and wants you to be happy. Why can't you see that! He just wants to-to make you smile and-” 

“That's the point!” Kenny spun in place and curled his fingers. He took a shaky breath, “That's the point…” he whispered as tears appeared around his blue eyes. 

Kyle blinked. 

Kenny broke down in a sob, “I'm not happy Kyle, everyone will always forget, they never remember, and when I come back they've left me.” No one ever stays. “What if Butters forgets?” 

Kyle stepped forward and put his hand on Kenny's shoulder, their squabble forgotten. “I didn't mean it Ken. Butters is lucky to have someone like you, I know you're stretched thin with school and your family.” Kenny wiped his face and Kyle lightly hugged him. “And Butters is nice, he won't leave you or forget important stuff, he isn't like that.” 

Kenny took a ragged breath and lightly put an arm around his friend, “I hate crying. I’ve done it so much today.” He sniffled, “Should I be with Butters?”

“Does he make you happy, but like honestly?”

“Yeah. It feels different.” 

“Then shutup.” 

Kenny let out a light laugh before adding, “I don't think Dougie likes me.”

Kyle scoffed, “And no one likes Dougie.” 

“Thats fair.” They paused and Kenny could hear Kyle’s ice maker make a rattling noise. 

Kyle patted him, “And no one is expecting you to be happy all the time dude.” 

Kenny swallowed, “Thanks,” he paused and they enjoyed their moment of close friendship before he stated, “But really, why are you fucking Cartman?”

Kyle shoved him and turned away, “Nope.”

“Oh come on tell me.”

“Nope. And you bounce back fast.” 

“How good could his dick be Kyle?” 

“NOPE!”

Kenny laughed but grabbed his shoulder, “But honestly, does he make you happy?”

Kyle looked away, moving his shoulder out of his grasp. He opened his fridge for some snacks, after a small pause he replied, “Yeah...actually. He changed after the move you know…”

Kenny smiled proudly, “That's good.”

Kyle raised his lip, “Shut up, it's supposed to be a secret.” 

Kenny, “Duh! That's why I haven't told anyone. I’m just analyzing everyone else’s relationships.” 

“Good. Great for you.” 

“But I want to!”

Kyle was about to reply before Ike stumbled in with toys, “There are my fave-our-its!” 

\------

Just don't look at me that way  
I'm not suicidal  
I'm not in denial  
I'm not really feeling that bad  
...  
I'm just a little sad 

Suicide ( A Little Sad) - by Kesha


	8. Don't Let Me Get Me

A Monday mist had covered the school grounds and everyone was happy to be inside. Kenny kissed Butters’ head before they separated to their own classes, Dougie watched with his arms crossed as Butters returned to him fresh faced and with a warm smile. 

Dougie blew air as Kenny sauntered off, “He’s using you.”

Butters and him entered their shared home economics class, “What do you mean?” 

His tone was flat, “He’s using you to feel better.”

Butters paused, “I don't mind being used.” He swallowed thickly and kept his thoughts to himself. 

Dougie sat down, “You don't mean that.”

“I do, I want him to be happy, he makes me happy, we make each other happy!” He had liked him for a long time now after all. 

Duggie rolled his eyes and Butters could feel the bitterness in the air, “Fine.” 

Butters typed on his phone nervously to Kenny in the middle of class, “How was your weekend?” He wasn’t being used, he just wanted what Butters wanted, a good friend, a shoulder to cry on. 

He replied quickly, “Busy XB. How was yours?”

“It was okay, do you want to come over tonight?” His mom was actually away on a business trip. He pursed his lips hoping for another quick reply. 

“Sure! I’ll walk over after my counseling shit.”

“Sounds good!” Butters would have offered to pick him up but he had to clean the house and be prepared. Kenny had seemed distant since that night on his lawn, it was making him nervous, and now so was Dougie. 

\---

For PE the time had to be spent playing volleyball indoors due to the weather. Inside the locker room, Cartman was having fun spreading gossip about freshmen while Stan and Kyle discussed ways of pretending to be sick to get out of it. 

Kenny glanced at his assigned teammate as they dressed to start, “Craig. Dude you look like hell.”

“I haven't slept.” He didn't even have a snappy comeback but replied in his nasally somber tone. 

Kenny threw his parka haphazardly into his locker, “Boyfriend drama? Just kiss it out.” Worked for his problems. Craig looked away, the smallest hint of a blush began to spread and Kenny gasped, “You two haven't kissed yet?”

Craig tried to have an excuse, “No way dude, thats- thats, dumb.” 

“You’re dumb.” Kenny swore he had seen them kiss before. Were they still pretending their relationship was fake? 

Craig adjusted his blue chullo hat, “You flip flop between girls and boys all the time dude, I’m not surprised. You’ll kiss anybody.” He flipped him off lazily. 

Kenny smirked at Craig’s usual ire as he continued to dress, “I’m seeing Butters now actually.” 

Craig crossed his arms, “You two?”

Kenny leaned in closer and whispered, “And I plan to do more than kiss him.” 

Craig stuck out his tongue, “You’re so gross.”

“And you’re a prude who won't kiss his boyfriend.” He murmured back. 

Craig grabbed a volleyball, “I'm gonna chuck this right at your face.” 

Kenny laughed and donned his uniform. He was starting to feel like himself again. 

—-

Butters heard his name from somewhere in the locker room, he turned down an aisle of lockers and spotted Kenny half naked next to Craig. 

A quick barb of jealousy arose in him but he quelled it, he saw Craig cross his arms and Kenny whisper something to him. Craig balked and stuck out his tongue as Kenny laughed lightly. 

Butters then became distracted by Kenny’s bare chest, he had never seen him fully naked, well not since they were little. He quickly turned around and returned to his locker. He glanced at Tweak who twitched as he dressed in his MadCows jersey. 

Why did he feel jealous? A whistle blew and they all headed out to the court. The girls sat out as boys won a coin toss to go first. He saw Stan wave at Wendy and felt a different pang, but couldn’t describe it. 

—-

After school Kenny stayed late for his counseling and soaked in every boring minute. He drummed his fingers on the desk as the worker droned on, “What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way we think about them. Do you feel like that's true?”

Kenny nodded, feeling like his head would bobble off. 

“It means: the way we think about things is what actually disturbs us; the interpretation of their significance rather than the event itself. Epictetus was-”

Kenny played with his bracelets, hoping Karen would make him a new one soon. He and Kevin had seen her over the weekend, she still seemed bright. She always focused on the positive, how one day she would get a donor at the right time. 

He watched the clock. 

While leaving with new worksheets on how to stay positive, he bumped into Dougie. Or rather, the little nerd bumped into him defiantly. Kenny blinked, “Uh, hello?”

Dougie made a sour expression up at him, his thick glasses amplifying his eyes. With a sudden boldness he stated, “You're bad for Butters.”

Kenny felt a chill run through him but he cocked his head with a smirk, “Is that so?”

“Coming to his house, having him take you home, you just use him and lean on him.” His stare really was quite unnerving. 

Kenny nodded, Kyle had said the same thing but worded it better. “Fine,” he shrugged in his puffy jacket, “I’ll break up with him. There. Are you happy now?”

Dougie was dumbstruck, “Yes?”

“Good, it must be nice.” He smiled and passed to head to the field. He murmured to himself as the cold chill met his bones outside, “Little brat.” He then debated even telling Butters about the interaction. 

Kenny spotted Cartman by the bleachers, he was out on the football field harassing scrawny freshmen. The field had been cleared of snow and the freshmen were forced to do laps as part of training after school. 

Kenny snuck up behind him and whispered, “How are you and Kyle together?”

Cartman flinched with a scream and nearly threw his bag of sports gear, “The fucking hell Kenny?”

“He’s giving me relationship advice and I feel I'm owed an explanation. He told me you two were dating.” Although not as physically intimidating as Cartman, Kenny stepping towards him was enough for him to break.

“If the ginger didn't wanna tell you w-why would I? We're just letting off stress, it's not something I'd like everyone to know. And if you’re here seeking relationship advice from me for your little scrawny boyfriend then think again.” 

“Letting off stress?” Kenny laughed but continued, “Nah, you two are together-together.” 

Cartman turned his nose up, “It's none of your business Kenn-E.” 

Kenny smiled, “Just a bit surprising really, you two always fought.” 

Cartman shrugged, indifferent, “Whatever.” 

Kenny continued,“I think he likes you back.” 

Cartman blushed and turned, “Like I care.” There was a pause as Kenny sat on the bleachers, “He said we’re dating?” 

Kenny smirked, “Are you?”

Cartman huffed, “Screw you, I’m going home.” But he didn’t move from his spot. 

Kenny kicked his boot at the bleacher, “How's your mom been?”

Cartman sighed and it stayed in the air, “Shitty, in jail. Yours?” 

Kenny clicked his teeth, “Same, on and off though.” 

“And your sister?” Eric leaned a bit more into sounding genuine. 

“I don’t know, we just have to…” Kenny shrugged, “wait for another surgery.” 

Cartman continued, “When she gets out of that hospital what are you guys gonna to do?” 

Kenny appreciated the “when”. He sat up more and blinked at the sky, “She’ll start school again I guess.” 

“How’s your poor ass family paying for all this?” 

Kenny stifled a laugh, “Probably through loans my parents don’t plan to pay off.” He swore he saw Cartman actually grimace. He changed the subject, “Why are you guys keeping it a secret?” 

“‘Cause we are, studduhp.” 

“I know it makes you mad.”

“Well duh!” 

“I’m sorry, I know its Kyle wanting to keep it secret.” 

Cartman didn't ask how he knew, it was from eavesdropping, and replied with a stoic: “Whatever.” 

Stan appeared from the otherside of the bleachers and yelled, “Guys? What are you doing?”

Cartman yelled back, “Your mom!” Kenny laughed into his parka as Stan walked up to them. 

Stan seemed cheary, “I found out I get to be in the drama club event!” The auditions had just concluded. Kenny blanched, he had completely forgotten about that club and its events. 

Cartman raised an eyebrow, “That was today? You gonna read your gay poems about Wendy?” 

Stan pouted, “Shut up fatass.” Freshmen passed them on the field, panting and crying, “I least I have activities that don’t include harassing new kids.” 

Kenny intervened, “I’m sure they’ll be nice Stan.” 

“Thanks dude! Are you gonna come?”

“Sure!” 

Cartman leaned in, “I won’t.”

“I don't care about you!” Stan huffed, “I just want Wendy and my GOOD friends to be there.”

Kenny smiled, “Aww.”

Cartman raised his lip, “Gay.” 

Stan sat his bag down, “I hope Wendy does come.”

Kenny replied, “Why wouldn’t she?”

“Cause we’re not doing great.”

Kenny bit his tongue, no one was doing great. Cartman yelled at a freshman who tripped and lost his shoe. Cartman turned his attention back to Stan, “You guys are always fighting, it's always something lame and then you make up like two days later.” 

Stan sat down, “She’s mad this time because I took the weekend to go see my dad.” 

Kenny leaned back, “That’s a dumb reason to get mad, how is he by the way?” 

“He’s alright, he grew a beard, hasn’t really changed much, sometimes asks about my mom though.” 

Cartman sat too, “Is he still out on that hippy farm?”

Stan sighed, “Yeah. Anyway, the thing is being held at the end of the week.”

Kenny said he was excited but deep down he was immediately concerned with how much he had been letting slide in his life. How long had Stan and Wendy been fighting? Kyle and Cartman together? Craig and Tweek bickering?

Henrietta and her brother then appeared at the end of the field, “Get in the car poser! It's time to go! Eric!”

Cartman groaned, “Damn. Fine.” 

Stan turned to Kenny, “Do you need a ride home?”

“Um sure, but to Butters’?”

—-

Butters was pleased at the appearance of his clean home. The front entryway had been vacuumed, the kitchen had been wiped down, and the miscellaneous throw blankets had been neatly folded and put into a pile. 

He went up to his room and inspected the average living space. It was clean enough for a boys room, more so since his mom was pretty adamant about that. He picked up his phone and laid in his bed. He had no new text messages from Kenny but assumed his meeting must have been over by now. 

“Maybe not?” He rolled over in his bed. “Ohhh why did I ask him to come over?” He sighed into his pillow. 

He wanted to text Dougie, but he had been acting weird, so he called Bradley instead. The curly blonde haired boy answered on the third ring, “No one calls anymore Butters.”

Butters flinched, “What do you mean?”

“You gotta text first man, what if I was busy?”

“Well, ARE you busy?” 

“...No. But my statement still stands. What are you calling about, you got some fresh drama? You said you got a boyfriend or something?” 

“Yes! It's Kenny.” 

“Nice!”

“I wish you were here in South Park to meet everyone, well cause my other friend Dougie, he doesn’t really like him.” 

“Sounds sus. Maybe he’s jealous that you aren’t spending as much time with him?”

“Maybe? I think he just doesn’t like his past, he says he’s using me.” 

“Using you for what?”

“For like, to feel better?” 

“Isn’t that what relationships are? Why else would you hang out with someone if they didn’t make you feel better? Or good about yourself.”

“That's what I mean!” Butters became flustered. He hoped he made Kenny feel better, “I think I’m getting jealous when other people make him happy? Or when other relationships are so nice?” 

“Well from the outside any relationship can look nice. And it’s a good thing he’s starting to perk up around others. When do you see Kenny again?” 

“Uhhh tonight actually.”

“Spicey.”

“Not like that!”

“Lies. Didn’t you say you pierced his dick?” 

“No! Stop! Yes, but it's gone now I think? Don’t bring that up!” 

“How do you not know?” 

“We aren’t there yet!” 

“Alright alright. Take your time.” 

“I-I’ll tell you more later. I should get back to cleaning.” 

“I’ll keep you updated on my boyfriend-adventures as well.” 

They hung up the phone and Butters at least felt relieved about one thing. That he wasn’t a bad person. He puffed his cheeks and opened the search engine on his phone. He typed in what he wanted and covered his head with his pillow. 

Butters hands wobbled as he read the information he had pulled up on his phone:

“It will increase sensitivity in the penis, and add a new texture when stimulating the vagina.” “Aggressive sex or masturbation with a ... piercing could cause injury to the penis too, if it gets caught or yanked too quickly.” “...complications during oral sex such as chipped teeth can occur.”

Butters felt his pants tighten, “Oh hamburgers.” He buried his face, this was wrong to read. But he needed to know. He needed to know if it was possible Kenny still had the damn thing. He had to find out. For science. 

A loud knock came to the downstairs door and he nearly dropped his phone with a high pitch screech. 

\------

Doctor, doctor, won't you please prescribe me somethin'  
A day in the life of someone else? 'Cause I'm a hazard to myself  
Don't let me get me, no. I'm my own worst enemy  
It's bad when you annoy yourself. So irritating  
Don't wanna be my friend no more  
I wanna be somebody else

Don't Let Me Get Me - by Pink


	9. I'm Not Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Careful, this ones hot, give it time to cool. One more chapter left! Thanks for commenting and leaving kudos!

Kenny waved Stan goodbye and stood waiting at the door, already hearing Butters clamor around inside to reach him. Once his boyfriend opened the door Kenny could tell he was flustered and out of breath. “You alright?”

Butters tried to stand tall, “Yes! Ha-ha-You didn’t say when you’d be here,” he opened the door more, “so I didn’t know what to think...”

“Oh my bad. Sorry,” Kenny walked inside, “Stan was dropping me off and I forgot.”

Butters smiled while still catching his breath, “Are you hungry?”

Kenny could tell Butters was hiding something but played along, “Sure!” He followed him to the kitchen where some sandwiches were thoughtfully prepared. 

Butters offered him one but wouldn’t look him in the eye. As they ate them in front of the tv, Kenny could tell that Butters was still nervous about something. He wouldn’t sit still and seemed to quickly go through the meal. 

Kenny looked around from the couch, “Your house looks nice.”

“Thank you! I spent all day cleaning it.” Butters’ cell phone rang on the table and they both saw that it was from Dougie. Butters leaned forward and pushed a button to silence it. 

“Did you guys get in a fight?” Kenny got up and took their dishes to the kitchen.

“No, he’s just been acting weird.” 

Kenny nodded before adding dryly, “Dougie said he wants me to break up with you. More or less.” 

“What!?” Butters blinked. 

Kenny returned and awkwardly sat on the floor with his back against the couch, “At school today.” 

Butters joined him, “Why?”

Kenny shrugged, “Maybe he’s jealous?”

Butters sounded defeated, “Yeah that's probably it.”

Kenny stifled a laugh, “You sound like you’re used to it?”

“Sorta. What did you say to him when he asked?”

“That I would.”

“What!?” Butters nearly choked. 

Kenny giggled, “I was joking with him of course, I wanted him to leave me alone.” 

Butters calmed down, “O-okay.”

Kenny put an arm around Butters, “He’s probably just lookin out for you, and mad that you’re here spending time with me eating sandwiches than playing video games with him.” 

Butters gripped his coat, “I guess so.” 

Kenny tried to lighten the mood, “What have you been up to? Besides cleaning?”

Butters pulled his knees closer, “A lot really. Well, thinking about you actually.”

“About me?”

Butters scooted closer, “Yeah.” 

Kenny wove his fingers through Butters’ hair, “What was I doing?”

“N-nothing!” Butters stammered and faced Kenny. 

“Hmm, doesn’t sound like nothing?”

Butters leaned forward, “It...it wasn’t anything bad.” 

Kenny grabbed his waist and pulled him closer, “Oh, that means it was!” He pulled Butters onto his lap and  
lifted his knees to prop Butters up. 

Butters shuddered, “I-I w-well!” 

Kenny smirked, “I knew it.” He gently moved his hands under Butters’ blue shirt. Butters flushed and adjusted his seat on Kenny’s lap. His shoulders shook as Kenny’s hands worked around his skin. 

Kenny rubbed his thumbs across Butters’ muffin top, earning a squeaked out, “How can you always tell?” 

Kenny smirked and gazed up at Butters’ face with half lidded eyes, “I just do.” 

Butters tried to shift backward, but Kenny noticed Butters’ pants were doing no favors hiding his tent. He took a deep appreciative breath and spread his own knees.

A bolt went through Butters spine as he suddenly felt Kenny’s clothed erection harshly pressed against his thigh. He shivered and covered his mouth and face with both hands. Kenny laughed a bit breathlessly and moved his fingers to Butters’ back.

Butters peeked through his fingers to see Kenny’s face nestled perfectly inside his parka hoodie.The brown fur a stark contrast to his blonde locks and flushed face. Kenny raised his hips and rolled them teasingly against Butters. He yelped at the movement but his fingers muffled it. Butters bent forward and tried to shift again but only succeeded in rubbing his crotch back along Kenny's tented jeans. Kenny hissed and bucked back against Butters’ movements. 

With a nervous giggle Butters stammered out, “Oh-okay.” He grabbed Kenny's hands and tried to catch his breath. 

Kenny released his hips and grabbed his face, capturing his lips in one swift movement. Butters moaned in pleasant surprise as he lightly pressed forward and opened his mouth. He felt Kenny's smile as the other sucked on his swollen lips before pulling away. 

Kenny gripped his sides again and sharply thrust upward, dragging his clothed erection against his partner’s. 

Butters’ gasp caught roughly in his throat, “Ken-”

Kenny rolled his hips again and Butters pitched forward. Kenny laughed gruffly, and continued to thrust upward against Butters’ erection. Butters felt his eyes flutter as Kenny groaned and rutted their dicks together between the fabric. 

Kenny smirked as Butters bent forward into his shoulder, “We should go to your room?” 

Butters dizzily replied, “I don’t think I can stand. N-no? Here is good.”

Kenny shrugged, “If you say so.” He lowered his knees and set Butters back again. 

Butters had a chance to breathe again before he heard the sound of a belt buckle, “Wait!” He covered his face and looked away. 

“What?” Kenny undid his jeans and removed his parka.

Butters blubbered, “I-I don’t wanna do anything serious!”

“I thought not, considering how we’ve just been dry humping.” 

Butters’ hands were covering his eyes, “Is that okay?”

“Why wouldn’t it be? Im fine seeing you like this.” His crisp hands met Butters’ middle again. 

Butters yelped, “Ah-okay!”

“Do you want me to undo yours? Are you...feeling a little constricted?”

Butters put his hands onto Kenny’s, “O-okay?” The taller blonde then undid Butters’ top button and lowered the zipper. “It feels strange to have someone else do it.” 

“Do you want to stop?”

“No, this is fine.” Butters fingers itched to touch Kenny’s body, especially since part of his midriff was showing, and that his shirt was pulled up slightly and his pants were undone. Butters stared at his crotch unabashedly. 

Kenny whispered with a smirk, “You can touch it if you want.” 

Butters’ shoulders shot up, “I-I wasn’t trying to, to make it weird?” 

“I like weird.” Kenny leaned more against the couch. 

Butters looked to the side as he gingerly lowered Kenny’s pants and undergarments, once he was sure enough of himself he looked back. He paused, “It looks different than how I thought.

“Thanks?” Kenny cocked his head, trying not to be offended. 

“No I mean, um- I thought you used to have um, you used to have one-there-.” Kenny raised an eyebrow as Butters continued, “A piercing there- too?”

“Oh! That thing! It's called a prince albert.”

“So you did?”

Kenny nodded before getting into the logistics, “It was actually a frenum piercing, just like a 10 gauge barbell. Man, I thought it looked so cool.” He paused, “HOW did you ever see it?”

“Umm...” Butters skin became redder. 

“You perv.” Kenny gave him a light push with a devious smile.

“No! I- it was just at the- in the bathroom and-”Butters smiled as Kenny laughed, “Didn’t it hurt to get it-?”

“Have you ever got a piercing?”

“No.”

“Get one and I’ll ask the same thing.” Kenny smiled and Butters puffed his cheeks, “It does take a while to heal though. I think I got it on a dare? I can’t remember now.”

“A dare? That sounds about right. Did-did people like it?” 

“I liked it, no one else really saw it.” He shrugged. 

Relief washed over Butters, “Well I like it, now, and before, ah- sorry.” He tensed up. 

“Thanks~” Kenny leaned forward slightly with a purr, “Can I touch yours?”

“Uh! Sure? I don’t think I’m much to look at.” Butters avoided eye contact but Kenny then quickly grabbed his pants and shucked them down, “Ah!” 

“I like yours too,” he smiled deviously. 

Butters covered his face, “No! Don’t say stuff like that.” 

“Why not? Wanna put em’ together?” Kenny wasn’t sure what Butters’ limit on “serious” meant. 

“Really! O-okay?” Butters scrunched his shoulders up and placed his hands on Kenny’s arms. 

“Yeah! It’ll be fun.” 

Kenny shifted his legs again and Butters slid forward. Butters mewed in anticipation as Kenny lightly slid the two of them together. 

Kenny ran his hand up both their lengths, at a lazy but good pace, “See?” 

Butters was still red, “Mm-hmm.” He couldn’t look away. 

Kenny shifted slightly, “H-here.” He took Butters’ hands and put them by his neck.

“Ah! N-no I don't wanna hurt you! Like choking?!” 

“Just leave them there,” Kenny closed his eyes and continued his movements. 

Butters flushed and watched as Kenny's breathing started to escalate, his chest rising and falling with desperation. Kenny moved his hips slightly and gave out such a light moan that Butters could barely hear it. 

Butters adjusted his hands on Kenny’s neck and lightly rubbed his fingers across his jugular. Kenny gave an immediate reaction by thrusting upward and moaning. Butters didn't think his face could get hotter. His own need made itself painfully apparent as Kenny stroked them in tandem. 

Butters bent down and apprehensively ran his tongue along the taut muscles of his boyfriend’s neck. Kenny gasped harshly and choked on Butters’ name. 

Butters slipped his fingers into the other’s hair and continued kissing and teasing the flushed skin. Kenny's free hand gripped Butters’ shirt as the other continued stroking them roughly. 

Butters’ fingers caressed the side of Kenny's face as his mouth continued to lick and suck roughly on his soft damp skin. 

Kenny shivered and bucked harshly, “Fuccc…” he groaned out as he spilled in his hand. Butters felt his back tense as he pitched forward and joined him seconds later. 

They sat beside the couch and waited for their breathing to stabilize, each leaning onto the other. 

Butters licked his lips, “Okay now...I think we should go upstairs.” He sat up, “I’m all sticky.” 

Kenny laughed but tried to hide it, “Fair enough, lets go rinse off.” 

\--

Kenny rolled his head around Butters’ soft bed. The lights were out and they were just laying down, occasionally seeing lights from cars pass over the ceiling in the night. 

Butters was next to him talking about therapy as they held hands. It wasn’t really making it to Kenny’s brain, but he liked the sounds. 

One thing did make it in though, when Butters said, “Is it helping you with Karen?”

“Hmm? Help how?”

“I...I don’t really know, I’m sorry.”

Kenny suddenly missed his parka, “It's okay. I think my friends help more. I love seeing them and stuff." Kenny bit his lip. Love. 

“Really?” Butters sounded glad. 

“Yeah, I like...seeing them more and bullshitting with them. And just, talking to you.” 

“Me?” It was dark in Butters’ bed but he could see Kenny clearly enough.

“I mean, like a vacation sounds nice, to get away from it all, pause and come back, but you guys make it better.” 

Butters squeezed his hand, “Hawaii again?” 

Kenny giggled, “Yeah.” 

“That's good to hear.”

Kenny swallowed a lump in his throat, “And I think I know how to help Karen.”

“How?”

Kenny pressed his forehead to Butters’ and gave a shaky sigh, “I have to die again.”

“What?” Butters jerked back in the bed.

“But I don’t know if it will work. I should be fine either way but-”

“Kenny that’s dangerous! Die again?” Butters dropped his hands. "It's scary."

“Well duh, but who cares?” 

Butters left the bed and stood, “I care!” He flicked on his side lamp and Kenny squinted. 

“I said I should be fine, I can’t die.” Kenny sat up. 

“I don't care what you say, your curse- your superpower-!” Butters shouted. “What if I wake up and it- it doesn’t work that day? If you don’t come back?” Butters swallowed and continued,“I would care! I would miss you! It hurts when you say stuff like that.”

Kenny held his breath, he looked defeated but replied, “Nah, it's okay. I’m only hurting myself and I don’t care about that.” 

Butters shoved him, “Stop it! Why are you like this!?”

“Like what?” Kenny hunched his shoulders. 

“Like this, like you don’t care about yourself.” Butters sat on the bed next to him.

“I don’t…”

“Yes you do.”

“Why should I? Because everything will be alright?”

“Yes. You just have to have hope.” 

Kenny grew sour, “Exactly.” 

“You can’t say that you don't care about yourself, that hope is-”

Kenny barked back, “Fuck hope. Fuck wishing that everything will be alright! Because it never-” he swallowed thickly. Butters sat wide eyed as Kenny broke down in front of him. “It never works out.”

Butters clenched his fists, “Stop saying that, you can’t say things don’t work out just when little issues come up.”

“Little?” Kenny’s face was red and puffy but identifiably incredulous. 

Butters held his hand, “You can’t lose hope that your sister will get better, you didn’t lose hope that someone would remember every time you died? I'm here, I’m proof that things work out.” 

Kenny I had no rebuttal for that logic, “I want her to get better. I want to get better.” He faced the floor. 

“That's good!” Butters held his hand tighter, “And you're both trying your best.”

“No, I’m stranded somewhere between wanting to help and being scared…”

“Scared of dying again?” 

“Psh no. If what I’m planning works...” Kenny shivered, “It’s kind of a crazy plan, but hear me out. I gotta try it.” 

Butters was fighting back his own tears, “O-okay. I don't want to lose you though."

Kenny sat up more and wiped his face, “You won't. But. I need a way to kill myself that won’t hurt my heart so I can give her the transplant she needs.”

“WHAT!?!” Butters dropped his hand. "A transplant?" 

“It might work! By the next morning we would both be fine?” He shrugged with a slight smile. 

Butters stammered, “Ah-Wh-ah what did you have in mind?? How do you know?”

“I was thinking, I should die close to the hospital? That way she could get it immediately. And that’s just it, I don’t know man. There’s no rules to this, I don’t know if a beating heart counts as me being alive.” He grimaced at the memories of how his power had effed him over. 

Butters understood the gravity of the situation, “So, you might not come back then…”

“Or worse,” Kenny scratched his neck, “she gets the curse.” 

“Oh.” Butters felt a heavy weight on his chest. 

\------

Too many issues, so I wouldn't blame you  
Bearer of bad news, I've got no excuse  
...  
I'm na-na-na not okay

I'm not okay- by Weathers


	10. We're Gonna Be Okay

Butters was a nervous wreck the next day. He breathed through his nose and gripped the steering wheel as he and Kenny skipped school and headed to Hells Pass Hospital.

There was a light rain and Butters turned on his defogger. The radio was silent and only the sounds of the wipers filled the car. 

Kenny seemed nervous in his seat, gripping his belt on and off and looking around, “Thanks for driving me.” 

Butters felt his chest tighten, “I- you’re welcome.” He was essentially helping him kill himself. 

Kenny awkwardly gripped his hand, “I’ll be alright.” 

Butters felt tears at his eyes, “I know.” 

They turned into the main lot and Kenny undid his seat belt as Butters parked. “Thanks for everything, I mean it.” 

Butters sighed and looked around nervously, “I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

Kenny gave a sober smile to his friend before clutching his hand again, “Yep.” The smile dropped to be more focused on Butters’ red face. 

Butters swallowed thickly, feeling the weight that this might be the last time he saw his friend alive. The last time he would see his smile, or hold his hand. Butters wiped his face, “I hope it all works out.” 

A small smile worked at the edges of Kenny’s mouth,   
“I’m sorry that I said I liked you, a while back.”

“What?” 

“I said I liked you, when I already knew I loved you.”

Butters gasped, “R-really?”

“I should have told you the day I heard you say it.” Kenny held his face, “Especially since, you’ve always been there for me.” 

Butters sniffled, “Kenny…” He felt his heart swell and wanted nothing but to be with him forever. 

“Now go home.” 

“Eh?” Butters nearly choked on his confusion. 

“I don’t want you to be around for this. Just go back home or back to school.” 

“B-but,” Butters gripped Kenny’s wrists, feeling his pulse. 

“Tell my friends I’ll be back tomorrow. You know if they ask, they might not.” Kenny moved his arms down and held Butters’ hands.

“I’m sure they will.” Butters sniffled. 

Kenny laughed and rubbed his thumbs over Butters’ hands, “See you later.” He kissed Butters quickly on the forehead and opened his car door. 

\---

Kenny had thought through many different ways, but the ceiling tiles in the cafeteria had seemed the most logical given the restraints he had to deal with. Karen was the top of the transplant list. The heart had to be clean of disease and undamaged, so that ruled out a few options, and it had to be sooner rather than later. 

It should work out. Just a clean decapitation. Some minor panic. Easy peasy. And Butters would remember. All's well. His organ donor ID card would be found and Karen would be safe. 

Kenny patted at his wallet, “Wait...where's my ID?” He raked his mind trying to recount his steps. It must have fallen out either in Butters’ house or car. What else fell out of his pockets!?

\---

Butters stood awkwardly in the hallway as kids clamored around him for class. Stan and Kyle asked if he had seen Kenny, and it looked like Cartman cared as well. But he couldn’t talk, he felt tired and sore and broken. Very broken. 

He was happy that they asked though, happy that Kenny’s presence mattered. He instead shrugged and headed to class. 

He found little comfort around Dougie but his smaller friend was persistent, asking and prodding at his mood. Until finally asking, “Are you upset Kenny broke up with you?”

“He didn’t break up with me.”

“He didn’t?” The red head looked shocked. 

“I know you wanted him to.” 

“Uh…” Dougie looked away. 

Butters was quiet again, he looked at his phone and its pictures of Kenny. He would be back, he had to be. 

“I wish you would give him a chance,” Butters replied to his shorter friend. 

“I’m sorry, I should…”

Around noon Butters solemnly sat with the others. After endlessly refreshing the news page of South Park, he finally saw that someone had reported an accident at the hospital, decapitation via an unlucky event with ceiling tiles. Butters shivered, the news said the boy didn't make it. Butters shut his eyes at the image and felt someone poking him. 

Stan asked, “You okay dude?” 

Butters sniffled, “Yeah.” 

Cartman rolled his eyes, “Sad that your boyfriend isn’t here to eat half your food?” 

Kyle scoffed, “You’re one to talk.” Cartman threw a fry at him. 

Stan continued, “You alright with Kenny?” 

Butters poked at his uneaten lunch tray, “Yeah, he is just- so down ‘cause of Karen you know?” 

Stan shrugged, “She is tough, he will be alright. Karen will get better.” 

Butters stared down, “I don’t think he will.” 

Kyle added, “He will if he keeps going to counseling.”

Stan interrupted, “Counseling doesn’t always help dude.” 

Cartman stood with his empty tray, “What matters is that his poor ass finally sees things differently. He may get a new take on the world.” 

Butters looked up, “You think?” 

Cartman began to walk off, “He better.” 

Stan nodded, “Not a bad summary really.” 

Butters played with his fingers, “Kenny just needs some hope.” It always got better. 

—-

After school, it felt strange to Butters, not having to wait up for his boyfriend. He simply drove home in a fog without having to wait for him or contact him in any way. In fact it didn’t feel like the world was any different with him gone. 

It was still bright out as he walked through the front door and saw his mom having another one of her episodes. 

“WHAT IS THIS?!” She calmed down slightly, “D-does this belong to your friend? Why is it here?” 

She held up what looked like random scrap, but as Butters apprehensively walked closer he noticed that it was actually Kenny’s ID, a receipt, a candy wrapper, and an unopened condom. 

Butters gasped, “W-Where did you find that?” 

“IT WAS HERE-on the floor.” She twitched a little. 

“He was over ma but I guess that stuff fell out if his pockets.”

“What kind of disgusting friends are you hanging out with Butters?”

“Oh, now, Kenny isn’t bad ma.” He quickly tried to cover his tracks, “He is nice, he’s had a bit of bad luck recently, his last girlfriend broke up with him and his sister is in the hospital.” 

“Oh.” She seemed to buy it, well at least calm down. 

Butters took the items and looked back at her with the ID. “Do you think he’ll need this?” He hid away the condom and papers. 

His mom was returning to normal, “I, well yes dear, he needs it for everything from driving to-”

Butters saw the small stamp that read “organ donor” and felt a wave of fear and worry come over him. 

“Uh, you know what mom, I should probably return this to him.” 

“Yes,” she moved away a bit slowly. “You should, he might need it.” 

Butters decided to hug her while trying to hide his worry, “Thank you for finding it!” She faltered but hugged him back earnestly. 

Butters turned to leave out his house again but as soon as he opened the door Dougie was there. Butters gasped and pushed him back, out of the way of the front door. Butters closed the door and led his friend to his car. 

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to say sorry cause-”

Butters opened his car door, “I can't talk right now. I have to head to the hospital for Kenny.” 

“Kenny? Is something wrong?” 

“It's fine.” Butters faltered, “He-he’ll be fine.” 

Dougie ran to Butters’ door, “I really am sorry.”

Butters smiled but didn’t know if he meant it, “It’s alright Dougie. Do you, do you really mean it?” 

“I do.” 

Butters smiled, “Thank you.” He pulled away and saw Dougie go back to walking his way home. 

Butters then headed for the hospital, he didn’t know what help he could provide but he wanted to know. He needed to know if, if it went well. But he didn't like the phrasing of that. 

He parked in the same space as last time and took a deep breath before going in. He didn’t know what he would ask, or what they would share, but he had to deliver the ID. The approached the main area and awkwardly handed the clerk the ID. 

The nurse at the booth stared at him, “What's this?” 

“I-uh found it on the floor.” He wasn’t amazing at lying and swallowed immediately. 

She seemed to scan it and nodded, “Very good, thank you.” 

Butters was expecting more, “Will you make sure the person who lost it gets it back?”

There was a faraway look in her eyes that she checked the computer, “Sure.” 

Butters wanted to ask more, he wanted to know if Karen McCormick was in surgery or if she was doing well. But he wouldn’t have had access anyway because he wasn’t a family member. 

He nodded with a sad smile and headed back to his car, on his way there he could swear he saw Kenny’s brother dash through the parking lot to the hospital entrance. Butters immediately turned back and lightly followed him inside. He was asking questions to the staff and they led him into the elevator. Butters continued to follow him, he was in a pretty panicked state so he didn’t seem to notice. 

They reached a floor for active surgery and Butters wasn’t allowed to pass a certain point as they took Kevin to the area where Karen was being held. From what Butters could overhear it sounded like Karen’s heart surgery was a success but that their brother hadn’t made it. 

Butters felt a pungent mix of elation that Kenny’s plan was a success and that...Kenny’s plan was a success. 

—-

Butters was up early the next day, to be fair he hadn’t really slept. He had driven to school with a cloud over his head and waited for the school bus, but Kenny wasn’t on it. Butters didn’t want to drive to Kenny’s house and possibly disturb his parents, but thought about it again after seeing the bus drive away. 

He sat on the school steps and shivered as their icy chill spread up him. Coming off the bus had been Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. He asked them first, “Have you seen Kenny?”

Stan adjusted his bag, “No?” 

Kyle shrugged, “No We haven’t,” Kyle turned to flake snow off his own jacket as small flakes fell from the grey sky. 

Butters felt a deep pain ebbing at his chest, “You didn't see him at all?” Other kids walked around the group or huddled in front of school as the bus left. 

Stan bent toward Butters, “Maybe he walked to school?”

“I did. I missed the bus.” 

Cartman turned as the orange parka boy appeared behind him, visibly winded, “Damn did you run or something?” 

Butters stood and nearly slipped on the icy ground. 

“Pretty much yeah.” Kenny came forward with a hot thermos and Butters hugged him after nearly jumping to close the distance. 

“Kenny!” Butters hugged him deeply and started to sob. 

Kyle was startled, “Why are you crying dude?” 

Cartman sneered, “Gay,” before Kyle hit him in the gut with his elbow. 

Kenny hugged his boyfriend back and asked, “Did you miss me?”

Butters wailed and almost dragged Kenny to the floor as he slipped off him due to his placement on the snowy path. 

Stan backed away from the display as Kyle bent to help Butters back up. Cartman recovered from the elbow jab and stated: “Christ we are in public.” 

Butters turned to bawl on Kyle, “I was so worried.” 

Kenny patted Butters, “Hey, did you guys hear that a donor came up last minute and that Karen’s going to make a full recovery soon?” 

“Wow dude thats great!” Stan exclaimed. 

Butters started to recover, “It all worked out?” 

“Yep!” Kenny smiled and his parka hood bobbed against his frame. Kenny took Butters back into his arms and they walked into school with the others. 

Kenny went on to explain to Butters that he hadn’t been able to find his ID but he improvised by having an impromptu doctors appointment so that they would be able to find the paperwork on him. 

“It was at my house! I brought it to the hospital just in case, and I saw your brother! I guess he was about to check in on Karen?” 

“Yeah that’s probably what happened. Next of kin and all that.”

Butters paused, “Are, are you happier now that she’s going to be better?” 

Kenny nodded, “I am, one less thing to worry about. I’m glad you still remember.” 

“Of course!” Butters paused, “I don’t think I could forget you.” He fiddled with his fingers, “I love you.” 

Kenny kissed him again, “I love you too.” Butters felt warm and wanted to slip away to hide his face. Kenny laughed as the hall got rowdy, “I’m going to be paranoid around ceiling tiles though. The ones in that hospital are hella sharp.” He touched at his throat and Butters felt like crying again. “Lets go to class, I assume I was here yesterday?” 

“You,” a false memory filled Butters’ mind of Kenny going home early and Butters never going near the hospital that morning, “I think- you went home early?” 

“Cool.” Kenny wrapped an arm around Butters and offered him some hot coco from his thermos. “Hopefully the last time, gotta keep my alive streak going.” 

“I hope so too.” Butters sipped from the warm jug.

“It fucking hurts.” 

Butter spat out the liquid and laughed, “You’re right it does.” He then rubbed at his eyes. 

Kenny pouted at Butters’ separate interpretation of pain, “Good thing I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Good! Well me either!” Butters smiled wide, “Who else would eat my lunch?” 

“I can’t be so easily replaced!” They laughed and nearly missed class. Good thing winter break was soon, as exciting as the last few weeks had been, they were looking forward to a break from the thrills of this place. 

\------

The world could fall down  
It's gonna be okay  
The sun could go out  
We're gonna be okay  
If all the blue skies fade to grey  
We're gonna be okay

We're Gonna Be Okay - Cody Francis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch 10 Ayyoooo its the end. Thanks for sticking around and reading! I finished it before 2021!
> 
> Fun fact! This is based on my friend who had some serious problems and many scenes are just ripped from those scenarios with him. I hope everyone is in a good place, and if you aren’t, stay strong, it gets better. 
> 
> Here's songs that didn't make it in:
> 
> I feel like I'm out of my mind  
> It feel like my life ain't mine
> 
> 1800-273-8255 - by Logic  
> \---  
> Keep telling me that it gets better  
> Does it ever?  
> Help me, it's like the walls are caving in  
> Sometimes I feel like giving up  
> No medicine is strong enough  
> Someone help me  
> I'm crawling in my skin
> 
> In My Blood - by Shawn Mendes  
> \---  
> And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one  
> 'Cause most of us are bitter over someone  
> Setting fire to our insides for fun  
> To distract our hearts from ever missing them
> 
> Youth - by Daughter   
> \----  
> How am I expected to behave?  
> When I'm alone with myself everyday  
> And I'll never love you enough my love  
> And I'll never hold you close enough
> 
> Teach Me - by Keaton Henson  
> \---  
> Also there is a playlist if yall are so inclined: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5JZh7nhH6BsWdfA6Z5KLXe  
> I use em for inspiration and what not. Thanks for kudos and comments and everything! It means a lot ^^


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